Prayerful Thinking

Let's hope this is the one...

Go Figure

Of course, once I declared my intentions to leave, things would get complicated. I knew the second I'd make up my mind and choose which prong of the fork in the road down which I'd travel, that things would then get "interesting."

I'm not sure which side is throwing it at me, but I'll figure it out.
Too big of a moment in my life to get it wrong.

Ugh

I suppose, one of the things that distinguishes me from the "typical male" is that I'm willing to acknowledge my emotions a little more than the average guy. I'm "in tune" with myself, I guess you could say. Well, it's nights like this when I wish it wasn't true.

Aloha

"Aloha, buddy!"

I started my conversation with a jet-lagged Ryan with more enthusiasm than I felt like he probably had since he'd just been flying from Sacramento to Maui (layover at LAX complete with two security checks because of problems with the tickets for him and his new wife, Holly). I decided to make up for him on my end, especially considering I expected zero calls since they were on their honeymoon. I know if I should be so lucky as to have a honeymoon, calling my friend is going to be the last thing on my mind.

As we talked about the flight(s) and how, aside from the extra security checks, it was a surprisingly smooth flight, I began to remember when I went to Hawaii. From what I've heard, Oahu is nothing compared to Maui in terms of sheer beauty, but still, it's a little better than sitting next to a box fan that barely works while the temperature flies past 100 degrees like it's late for a date with 120.

I planned to use aloha again if he called me right before they left, since it can be used both in welcoming and departing. It has two meanings, much like howdy is short for "How do you do?" and "I'm a Republican." (Actually, it has 10 different variations, but let's not get into that right now.)

I told him about how amazing Hawaii is and thought to myself about how the water just looks different there. When we got done talking, I began to think about why I'd been there. Work had been sapping the life out of me. I needed a break, an escape, a vacation, something I hadn't taken in the 2+ years I'd been working for my newspaper. It was a much-needed trip I took by myself and used for introspection, relaxation and some great quality time with my friend Grace, who was nice enough to let me stay with her and her burgeoning family during the five-day stay. I can still remember, I almost took my resume...

It's been a while since then -- a little more than two years -- but it's been even longer since I've gotten the feeling that God wanted me somewhere other than my hometown. I haven't known where or why or when or really any of the W's, but I've just gotten the feeling this place wasn't for me.

So, I've waited...

I've lived my life in the process of trying to figure all this out, complete with becoming a beat writer for my paper, getting to cover the Rose Bowl(!), watching all of my coworkers quit, being laid off by unsaid paper, staying confident I'd find something quickly, going into a rut when the job fairy kept procrastinating on my case and coming out of it a stronger, more grounded man, who unfortunately still is without employment.

A little over a year ago, I began to get a series of coincidences, which all seemed to point to the same place. (Side note: I don't believe in coincidences. I believe those unexplainable instances are God's way of speaking to us now.) After getting enough of them to really take notice (I usually need a bludgeon), I decided to take a trip to the place and see why it could be pulling me so much, especially considering I'd never been there for anything more than a football game in a neighboring suburb.

Something about it just drew me in. The most touristy thing I did while there was walk through a park and take some pictures of statues. Most of the time, I was just doing normal activities: walking to the grocery store, walking to the neighborhood pizza place, walking around looking at novelty toy and bookstores, going to the movies, laughing with friends.

There was no luster to this trip, no fanfare or pomp. It wasn't the 4th of July or Oktoberfest or some joyous occasion. In fact, it was just a dreary week in February where the warmest it got was somewhere in the low 40's and the coldest was right around 6. I got yelled at by a city worker, followed for more than two blocks by a man who I'm pretty sure wanted to sell me drugs and slipped so hard on my last night that I got a bruise the size of a 5 lb. weight on my hip.

It has stuck with me for nearly eight months. (The longing to be there, not the bruise. That would be some nasty bruise!) So, I've decided that from now on, I will be looking for work there exclusively and if I haven't found anything by some time in January, I will just go and figure things out when I get there.

I never got to use aloha on Ryan. He and Holly left on a red-eye flight late one night and returned safely. I feel like I can still use it, though.




Welcome (to my future) and goodbye (to the past).

Aloha.

I Must

Some day soon, everything will come out. I'm not sure how it will be received, but that is merely the collateral damage. It's something I have to do for myself...for my life. If I don't, I'll live in wondering what could have been and I can't do that. I know myself too well to say I wouldn't still think about it all the time. I would. And that's why I have to do what I have to do. I'm determined to live a life like Peter -- he didn't always do the right thing, but he was always faithful and always obedient. I must be the same.

Carpe Diem

Leuconoe, don't ask — it's a sin to know — what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be. Whether Jupiter has allotted many more winters to you or this final one which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite — be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have (already) fled. Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

- Horace (Tu ne quaesieris)


The first time it was used, 23 B.C. Still rings true two thousand years later.

Foreboding

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.

Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.