I thank God for my mentor.
It's during my darkest times that it seems like he's always there with the perfect thing to say without even knowing what's going on with me.
I sent him an email on Father's Day. He's probably the closest thing I've got. Once again, he found a way to turn it around and make me feel good.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to say I'm thankful for him. He didn't have to be the influence he has been in my life, but he chose to be. I can only hope I act on the same opportunity if it's presented to me.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
behind the curtains
Hello all (2 of you).
I'm siting here in my empty apartment with a glass of cheap Caberney beside me trying out something new.
A friend of mine, the illustrious Miss Johnica Reed (who is a pretty good writer, btw), did enough cajoling to get me to try to start writing more consistently.
"When I mention you to people, I tell them you're a writer."
I certainly live like a writer, as my singular chair sitting in the middle of a blank apartment can attest. I live check to check and still feel the stressors of my childhood, which I believed a college diploma and steady job immediately out of school could at least stay if not prevent. I have a t.v. which only works with a trusty digital conversion box attached to it like an I.V. drip. One of the boxes I used to transport my stuff from one side of the country to another is my endtable while most of the rest sit in my breakfast nook, waiting for the joy of getting some fresh Midwest air. I guess I'm somewhat the same way.
So far, living here has been interesting. Not interesting haha or interesting weird, but interesting like a Sidney Pollock painting. Everything has been thrown at me all at once and I'm still trying to figure out what means what. Is that splash of green over in the corner supposed to spell my longterm happiness? What about the little dots in all those colors down at the bottom? Is that representing all the new friends I've made or, rather, the ones I left behind even as they voiced their displeasure that I was actually leaving?
No doubt, my life feels a bit like an unfinished mosaic right now and all the pieces look way more daunting to put together than just watch them as they are. The good thing, though, is that I'm confident in God's plan for my life. I know without that, I'd be lost. When I think back over the last 16 months of my life, I can't imagine where I'd be without a Fatherly influence. It'd be bad for business, without a doubt. He is faithful.
It is that which I lean upon that gives me comfort in these uncertain times. The future is a blank canvas, waiting for me to start painting...better yet, an art show I've yet to see, unsure of the beautiful work the Artist has done.
A few months in, it still feels like the curtains are drawn.
I can't wait for the unveiling.
Should be awesome.
I'm siting here in my empty apartment with a glass of cheap Caberney beside me trying out something new.
A friend of mine, the illustrious Miss Johnica Reed (who is a pretty good writer, btw), did enough cajoling to get me to try to start writing more consistently.
"When I mention you to people, I tell them you're a writer."
I certainly live like a writer, as my singular chair sitting in the middle of a blank apartment can attest. I live check to check and still feel the stressors of my childhood, which I believed a college diploma and steady job immediately out of school could at least stay if not prevent. I have a t.v. which only works with a trusty digital conversion box attached to it like an I.V. drip. One of the boxes I used to transport my stuff from one side of the country to another is my endtable while most of the rest sit in my breakfast nook, waiting for the joy of getting some fresh Midwest air. I guess I'm somewhat the same way.
So far, living here has been interesting. Not interesting haha or interesting weird, but interesting like a Sidney Pollock painting. Everything has been thrown at me all at once and I'm still trying to figure out what means what. Is that splash of green over in the corner supposed to spell my longterm happiness? What about the little dots in all those colors down at the bottom? Is that representing all the new friends I've made or, rather, the ones I left behind even as they voiced their displeasure that I was actually leaving?
No doubt, my life feels a bit like an unfinished mosaic right now and all the pieces look way more daunting to put together than just watch them as they are. The good thing, though, is that I'm confident in God's plan for my life. I know without that, I'd be lost. When I think back over the last 16 months of my life, I can't imagine where I'd be without a Fatherly influence. It'd be bad for business, without a doubt. He is faithful.
It is that which I lean upon that gives me comfort in these uncertain times. The future is a blank canvas, waiting for me to start painting...better yet, an art show I've yet to see, unsure of the beautiful work the Artist has done.
A few months in, it still feels like the curtains are drawn.
I can't wait for the unveiling.
Should be awesome.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Drats
So, I'd told myself that once I actually got a chance to write, that I'd make sure it was worth it. I'd planned to talk about how much has changed in these last three months since I've moved from suburban L.A. to suburban Chicago.
So, of course, once that moment arrives, allowing me to spew eloquence, to flow forth with nothing but text gold...I come up with nothing. Nada.
One thin I do have going for me is that work is starting to feel less and less foreign, which is good. I've always been a quick learner, but for whatever reason it's felt so sloooooow this time. I don't know, maybe I'm just expecting too much out of myself, not cutting myself any slack. All I know is that it feels good to be getting things down.
So, of course, once that moment arrives, allowing me to spew eloquence, to flow forth with nothing but text gold...I come up with nothing. Nada.
One thin I do have going for me is that work is starting to feel less and less foreign, which is good. I've always been a quick learner, but for whatever reason it's felt so sloooooow this time. I don't know, maybe I'm just expecting too much out of myself, not cutting myself any slack. All I know is that it feels good to be getting things down.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Trying To Outrun Bachelor Time
It seems my whole life these days have been full of new beginnings…new job, new apartment, new state, new friends, new joys, new frustrations and new independence. I guess it’s a fitting time for me to be transitioning into all these new things since my 27th birthday is now less than a week away.
It’s a crazy number, this 27. Once I met 26, the idea of the next one wasn’t too exciting for me. I used to sweat being in my mid-20s, but now that those days are, well, days away from being over, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of intermediate numerology that would prevent me from sliding into the late category. Is there a price I can pay, some sort of bribe that would suffice?
Pretty sure the answer to that is no.
Ah, damnit.
So in the meantime, while I find out ways to deal with the fact that my hair is starting to thin just like I knew it would and how I found a white hair sticking straight out of my beard and how my body has begun a revolt against me working out every day when it had no problem with it just a few months ago, the clock keeps ticking.
Stupid time, it never wants to stop for anything…not even my neuroses.
It’s a crazy number, this 27. Once I met 26, the idea of the next one wasn’t too exciting for me. I used to sweat being in my mid-20s, but now that those days are, well, days away from being over, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of intermediate numerology that would prevent me from sliding into the late category. Is there a price I can pay, some sort of bribe that would suffice?
Pretty sure the answer to that is no.
Ah, damnit.
So in the meantime, while I find out ways to deal with the fact that my hair is starting to thin just like I knew it would and how I found a white hair sticking straight out of my beard and how my body has begun a revolt against me working out every day when it had no problem with it just a few months ago, the clock keeps ticking.
Stupid time, it never wants to stop for anything…not even my neuroses.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Quickie
Ok, so I don't have much time, but an update is very very necessary. Here, in list form, is the update:
1. Got a job.
2. Moved to Chicagoland area, Aurora specifically.
3. The drive took 5 days. I trailed a pretty nasty storm the whole way and was able to hang out with some family and friends whom I haven't seen in way too long.
4. Truck held up very well and got through everything like a champ.
5. Making new friends while missing old ones.
1. Got a job.
2. Moved to Chicagoland area, Aurora specifically.
3. The drive took 5 days. I trailed a pretty nasty storm the whole way and was able to hang out with some family and friends whom I haven't seen in way too long.
4. Truck held up very well and got through everything like a champ.
5. Making new friends while missing old ones.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
To You
Lately, I've been pretty emotionally neutral. Actually, scratch that; I've been leaning jaded. I read about people being in love or see people trying to flirt with each other or hear a "heartwarming" moment on t.v. and remain unaffected. If anything, I smirk and think about how hollow those words probably are. You gotta be kidding me.
It's crazy, I know, because I always used to be so into these kinds of things...I was that guy who loved the sappiness, the expressing myself, the "putting myself out there." Now, after a year of hardness and tumult, I try to think about some things that I used to love and get zero emotional response. I feel nothing...until I think about you.
From the day we met, to every single time you cross my mind, a surge of nerves that I've long since stopped trying to control runs through me. Looking into those wonderous jewels of yours that we humans have named eyes, I forget my name and anything else that could have mattered that day. My tongue goes limp. Jaded is the antonym. You affect me in ways I can't quantify.
Months ago, after nights of you running through my mind more than Bernard Lagat, I made a promise to God that if we ever wound up in the same area for any kind of extended period of time, I wouldn't miss my opportunity again. I'm leaving it in His hands. That's always been my best mode of getting things done.
I won't push. I've brought it up before, so we both know long distance really isn't a viable option, though part of me now regrets having made that a rule of mine. My mentor once told me that He answers prayers in providing opportunity. If I get another, I'm taking advantage.
It's crazy, I know, because I always used to be so into these kinds of things...I was that guy who loved the sappiness, the expressing myself, the "putting myself out there." Now, after a year of hardness and tumult, I try to think about some things that I used to love and get zero emotional response. I feel nothing...until I think about you.
From the day we met, to every single time you cross my mind, a surge of nerves that I've long since stopped trying to control runs through me. Looking into those wonderous jewels of yours that we humans have named eyes, I forget my name and anything else that could have mattered that day. My tongue goes limp. Jaded is the antonym. You affect me in ways I can't quantify.
Months ago, after nights of you running through my mind more than Bernard Lagat, I made a promise to God that if we ever wound up in the same area for any kind of extended period of time, I wouldn't miss my opportunity again. I'm leaving it in His hands. That's always been my best mode of getting things done.
I won't push. I've brought it up before, so we both know long distance really isn't a viable option, though part of me now regrets having made that a rule of mine. My mentor once told me that He answers prayers in providing opportunity. If I get another, I'm taking advantage.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Nervous? Me? Never!
So, this whole "changing-very-large-parts-of-your-life-by-moving-across-the-country" thing is very involved and would not be possible if not for some amazingly generous people. I'll talk more about this later, I'm sure, along with telling the stories of some of the specific things that have been going on. But for now, I'll just get the important stuff out of the way: I have an apartment that seems pretty stinking nice, even if it is "cozy;" I now have a specific leave date (Wednesday, March 11) and that is because...I bought my tickets today!
Since I got the job, it hasn't really felt real to me that I'm leaving relatively soon. I wondered aloud why that was and thought to myself that it probably wouldn't hit me until I actually set a date and got the tickets to reflect my actual moving. And, boy howdy, was I right because as I looked through the Chicago Transit Authority Web site, a heat ran through me like I only experience before I'm to speak publicly.
But this is how it always is for me and new places...I get excited, then nervous, then really nervous and then, once I get there, I'm fine. It was like that when I went to Kansas City on my own, then again in Denver, although not quite as bad. Funny thing is, when I went to Chicago the first time, I didn't get nervous once. Today? A large bit of anxious energy. Hopefully it goes away. I doubt it, though. After thinking about it for days, I'm actually going to have to start packing soon. Still not sure if I'm taking my desk or not. I think it's gonna have to be a game-time decision.
Since I got the job, it hasn't really felt real to me that I'm leaving relatively soon. I wondered aloud why that was and thought to myself that it probably wouldn't hit me until I actually set a date and got the tickets to reflect my actual moving. And, boy howdy, was I right because as I looked through the Chicago Transit Authority Web site, a heat ran through me like I only experience before I'm to speak publicly.
But this is how it always is for me and new places...I get excited, then nervous, then really nervous and then, once I get there, I'm fine. It was like that when I went to Kansas City on my own, then again in Denver, although not quite as bad. Funny thing is, when I went to Chicago the first time, I didn't get nervous once. Today? A large bit of anxious energy. Hopefully it goes away. I doubt it, though. After thinking about it for days, I'm actually going to have to start packing soon. Still not sure if I'm taking my desk or not. I think it's gonna have to be a game-time decision.
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