Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Waiting Game

I'm not the most patient of people. I try, believe me, I do. I always start off with the best of intentions, but somehow about halfway through whatever it is I'm supposed to be waiting for, I have to catch myself tapping or shaking my feet, fidgeting or something else to try to keep from asking the question I always seem to have to prevent asking:

How much longer do I have to wait!?

I'm also a big guy on common courtesies. If I call, it would be appreciated if I was given a timely response because I'd do the same for you. If I take the time to help you, perhaps you could take some time for me.

Saying all that, it probably wasn't the best idea to take advantage of a Chili's gift card my mom got for Christmas on the night before New Year's Eve. I have never experienced waiting for more than 15 minutes anywhere but Olive Garden (I would kill for those bread sticks!) on a given night or BJ's or The Yardhouse on a weekend night. Imagine my surprise when we arrived to a 30-minute wait that seemed a little short considering the fact that the place was simply teeming with people. It was out of control. When we finally got a table (I didn't keep track of the time, but it seemed like less than half an hour), I was in perfect positioning to see the end of the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl. It was, as I'd hoped, a great game. However, I wish I'd been able to see more of it, as people must not have noticed I was watching it because they kept moving in front of me. I'm glad it wasn't a huge deal, though, because I was talking to my mom about the year.

Wow, it sure has been some kind of year, hasn't it?
(Pause for reflection) Yea, it sure has...
(Shared pensive glances)

This has been the most eventful year of my life, for such a varying array of reasons, that I can't help but half-heartedly expect something to go down on New Year's Eve just to cap it off. To review, in chronological order, I have:

  • been turned down for a job I thought was so absolutely perfect for me that I was looking at apartments during my trip.
  • seen the Giants(!) win the Super Bowl.
  • visited friends in Chicago, a trip which confirmed my previous desires to live there
  • been laid off from my job of almost three years.
  • turned 26, sharing a week of birthday events which were very fun.
  • turned down a job in Vail, CO, which would have solved one problem, but at the expense of my inner-gumption.
  • gone on a cruise with one of my two best friends, Josh, and his fam to Cabo San Lucas, where I tasted my first little bit of internationalness and burned my entire torso to the color of salmon.
  • seen my other best friend marry the most perfect, hand-picked by God, woman that not even I could have chosen for him. It was the best wedding I've been to PLUS it was Ryan! It was the happiest day of the year...by a mile.
  • applied for various jobs, been denied said various jobs, doubted myself, pumped myself back up, leveled off into a state of blah.
  • tried to support friends as they deal with their parent's abrupt and unexpected passing on.
  • decided to take that leap of faith and move to unknown parts.
  • learned that my mom's guy was diagnosed with cancer in his bladder, prostate and right kidney.
  • reconnected with some of my closest family friends with whom we had been estranged for nearly 10 years. It was so good to be able to attend Catrina's wedding and I can't describe what it meant to see everyone again.
I went into the desert headstrong and ready to take on whatever troubles might arise during the journey. I stand today, having gone through some seriously tough times that I didn't see coming. Suffice it to say, it's been a longer process than I, or anyone close to me for that matter, expected it would be. This year hit me like a Tonka truck and changed me, not totally for the best. I pray that in 2009 I take steps in getting back much of what was taken away from me through the tumult.

I began 2008 hyperventilating in Ryan's apartment. I've always heard the way you ring in the new year determines how that year will be. I've never actually believed it might have a sliver of truth until this year. It left me gasping for breath. So, bring on 2009. Here's to hoping it goes a little better than the previous. Now, that's something worth being patient about. Luckily for me, I don't have to.

Happy New Year, people.
May your 2009 be better than your 2008.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Stepping Out

I'll have much more to say on this subject in a few days (I've been putting it together in my head for weeks), but for now this will have to do:

I have absolutely no clue what direction my life will turn next. The events of this year have changed almost everything about its course. It's a relatively terrifying thought process. I kinda feel like Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade where Indy is trying to find the Holy Grail and he's supposed to somehow walk across this 20-foot chasm that appears to have no bridge or any other means to traverse. Then realizes one is there, he just can't see it, so he has to trust that it's there. He takes the step and totally almost falls and you can tell he thinks this is it, but then a split-second later, his foot impacts the camouflaged beam leading directly towards the entry on the other side. It'd been there all along. He just needed to have faith.

That's all it comes down to.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Meeeeeeerry Christmas Everybody!

Uh, yea what the title said.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

When Reality Ruins Fantasy

I love fantasy football.

Towards the end of last season, Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley found himself with a bit of a problem. Like many other NFL players, he's a big fantasy football guy, and was the top seed in his real team's fantasy league playoffs. Late in the game, with the Redskins' playoff hopes still very much in the balance, Cooley caught what turned out to be the game-winning touchdown for his team. It also wound up being a stake in the heart of his fantasy team.

You see, the person he was playing that week actually had Cooley as his tight end. So, while those 6 points may have gotten the Skins into the playoffs, it ended his fantasy season.

It's a tough little task to find the balance between rooting for your fantasy players and your actual favorite teams, especially for someone who grew up being more allegiant to teams than specific players.

Take tonight, for example. I found myself rooting for the Bears to win, but against Matt Forte, who was on the team I was playing for the championship in my fantasy league. If that wasn't sick enough, I actually have Forte on one of my other teams, The Little Mansies, as my friend Ryan's wife, Holly, so eloquently described. But we'd dominated so thoroughly on Sunday that we didn't need any Monday mashing.

So, imagine my discontent when, with my lead becoming increasingly shorter, the Bears turned to Forte with the game on the line.

"OK, I'm still up by nine, so watch, he's gonna run for a 10-yard touchdown for seven points and then Crosby is gonna come back for the game-winning field goal and that's how I'm going to get beat," I told one of my best friends Josh as we watched the game.

"It's really my own fault. I didn't start the right guys this week, I guess. I scored more on my bench with four guys than I did with nine starters. If you score what I did, you don't deserve to win."

Well, the field goal from Green Bay's kicker, who my opponent also had, never happened. He missed two in the game, one of which would have won the game with :25 seconds remaining. Nope, my season actually ended when Forte ran it in from seven yards out (after having run for three yards on first down) to simultaneously tie up the game late for Chicago, which eventually won, and give me a two-point loss in the finals.

Geez, I hate fantasy football.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Role Models

I knew what his response would be to what I'd say before I even opened my mouth.

"Well, you don't tell people because you don't want to have to say you didn't get it later."

He was right. I've always been honest with him about my job situation, or lack thereof in this case. Whenever I've needed to talk, my mentor has been there for me.

My mother always felt like I needed an older male role model since I never had a father. A male presence is important in everyone's life, to be sure. The thing she didn't understand, though, is that it can't be forced. She's tried to force male guidance upon me a few times, which is a little disconcerting considering that she should know how I react when people try to force me to do anything. I cannot stand being pushed in to doing things; I will resist at all costs. I'm stubborn like that. Continue and I will simply dig my heels increasingly deeper into the soil. Like all good things, this too must come organically.

Auspicious beginnings seem to be the constant for my most meaningful relationships. My first encounter with him was in my freshman year at college, when I took his class, not knowing much more than that someone had mentioned he was the toughest teacher in the school. Like almost everything else other than football and my social life that year (what else is there!?), I didn't take it seriously and proceeded to get a sub-par grade. Ironically, it was par for the course that year. It was, in fact, the toughest class I'd ever had to that point and was lamenting my decision to take it by the end of the semester.

By my senior year, a few things had changed. I'd gotten a new major, which was treating me much better than the previous one ever had. I was treating it better as well. I was in a healthy relationship with my academic life by that point and had found the right balance for me to be successful. I needed to take a class which, of course, he happened to teach. I saw it as an opportunity for redemption. After I added his class and before the semester actually started, I sent him an email letting him know that me choosing his class was completely deliberate and that I planned to show him what I'm really made of. He let me know the class would be much more difficult than the one before it.

As the semester went on, I continued to plow through, occasionally stubbing my toe, but mostly fighting through with the tests, quizzes and papers. A paper in his class is more scrutinized than a military barrack, every speck of dirt or untucked corner exposed with bright red Sharpie ink. The final one was the stuff of legend, the kind where an all-nighter -- or two straight -- is more expected than not. Upon completion, I decided to write him a little letter letting him know just how he'd impacted me and that I'd appreciate a deeper relationship. I turned both in on time and walked out of the room, never looking back. He responded on my paper, "I would very much like that."

Ever since then, through my super-senior year and on into my post- collegiate life, I have looked to him for advice on a myriad of subjects. We have become close friends and have developed a strong rapport, something I don't have with any other male old enough to be my father. He's helped me through some tumultuous times and has never tried to push me into doing anything. He simply assumes I'm smart enough to understand what he's talking about. He assumes future greatness in various aspects of my life, from finding a new job to the kind of father I will become to simply living a life of obedience to God. It gives me confidence to aspire and the courage to be bold. I can only hope that I justify his affirmations.

I couldn't imagine letting him down, even if I already know what he'd say.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Flashback

I'd just like it to be remembered when I blogged about a certain crazy old man who was destroying my team.

Well, I was right...and because of that, I simply couldn't take the heartache anymore, so the decision was made, I officially disowned the Raiders. Unfortunately, they pay the price for their owner's lunacy. It's gonna take a while for them to win me back.

And hey, my secondary isn't too bad. I'm just glad I liked them before last year so there's no bandwagoning going on. Go Giants!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Where'd The Funny Go?

I read some old MySpace conversations I've had back in the day and I can't help but wonder what happened. As my eyes scanned the digital canvas of flirtations past, I started thinking about my current feelings and all that and I something is definitely different. I mean, I was funny, witty, nice, etc. Now, it's just not as prevelant. I don't know. I mean, it's not like someone stole my puppy or something, but come on.

Maybe I'm just a little older and "wiser." I guard my heart much more now, which I think is a good thing. I mean, that's what we're supposed to do during the weeding out process. When you leave yourself too open, you get hurt way more often than need be. Opening it up at the right time (or knowing when that is) would probably help.

Not sure if I'm more jaded or if I've learned my lesson from past burns. Either way, I need to crank up the funny quotient. I used to be a staple. I'd be hard pressed to say it's even a thumb tack now.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Goodwill

So, my mom's guy has cancer. It's in some of his endocrine organs. It's pretty progressive and he's pretty old, so the writing is pretty much on the wall as far as I know. It's really more a matter of "when" moreso than "if" at this point.

I've been trying to spend more time with him, which is pretty much the complete opposite of what used to happen. I was rubber and he was glue. Anything he'd try to do with me would bouce off and wind up sticking on him. We had our fare share of rubs, no matter the subject it seemed. But now I'm trying to make a concerted effort to be more friendly, more welcoming, more like myself. It's a shame it took this for me to act like this, but it's better late than never. At least that's what I tell myself.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Yes We Can

As my ears ring from the horns and screams and joyful wails of the people, the election of Barack Obama brings about the idea that anything is possible.

But possible for whom?

There's a reason most of those crying were black people. You see, even in the midst of the unifying words and the togetherness that Barack's words foster, for some reason I can't help but think of the generations of black people before me who never, ever thought to themselves yes, we can.

Never did they think there would actually be a time when someone of their color would rise to rule the free world. They were too busy trying to run from the police dogs or figuring out how to avoid being beaten and lynched. Dr. King's dream was an ideal for the future. By no means did it reflect the trials of the times.

My family isn't that of Barack's. We are no first-generation African Americans. I come from a family of slaves and have no knowledge of which African country carries my ancestry. My mother grew up in Arkansas and would have been in that first group of teens to be integrated into the high schools had she not moved out to California in the preceeding summer. She still remembers having to go to colored bathrooms and being forced to sit in the balcony to watch every movie because no Black was allowed to sit below the mezzanine. When thoughts creep up, they seem to seep out through her tear ducts. It is true for so many others.

After generations of being told first that we weren't human, then human but unequal, then equal but treated with actions incongruent with those words, we finally received a mighty blow which never thought could really happen.

Believe in ourselves?
Yes, we can.

Believe that it's true when we tell our children they can be anything they want?
Yes, we can.

When others tell us it can't be done because it's never been done before, we now have a response.
Yes, we can.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Prayerful Thinking

Let's hope this is the one...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Go Figure

Of course, once I declared my intentions to leave, things would get complicated. I knew the second I'd make up my mind and choose which prong of the fork in the road down which I'd travel, that things would then get "interesting."

I'm not sure which side is throwing it at me, but I'll figure it out.
Too big of a moment in my life to get it wrong.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Ugh

I suppose, one of the things that distinguishes me from the "typical male" is that I'm willing to acknowledge my emotions a little more than the average guy. I'm "in tune" with myself, I guess you could say. Well, it's nights like this when I wish it wasn't true.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Aloha

"Aloha, buddy!"

I started my conversation with a jet-lagged Ryan with more enthusiasm than I felt like he probably had since he'd just been flying from Sacramento to Maui (layover at LAX complete with two security checks because of problems with the tickets for him and his new wife, Holly). I decided to make up for him on my end, especially considering I expected zero calls since they were on their honeymoon. I know if I should be so lucky as to have a honeymoon, calling my friend is going to be the last thing on my mind.

As we talked about the flight(s) and how, aside from the extra security checks, it was a surprisingly smooth flight, I began to remember when I went to Hawaii. From what I've heard, Oahu is nothing compared to Maui in terms of sheer beauty, but still, it's a little better than sitting next to a box fan that barely works while the temperature flies past 100 degrees like it's late for a date with 120.

I planned to use aloha again if he called me right before they left, since it can be used both in welcoming and departing. It has two meanings, much like howdy is short for "How do you do?" and "I'm a Republican." (Actually, it has 10 different variations, but let's not get into that right now.)

I told him about how amazing Hawaii is and thought to myself about how the water just looks different there. When we got done talking, I began to think about why I'd been there. Work had been sapping the life out of me. I needed a break, an escape, a vacation, something I hadn't taken in the 2+ years I'd been working for my newspaper. It was a much-needed trip I took by myself and used for introspection, relaxation and some great quality time with my friend Grace, who was nice enough to let me stay with her and her burgeoning family during the five-day stay. I can still remember, I almost took my resume...

It's been a while since then -- a little more than two years -- but it's been even longer since I've gotten the feeling that God wanted me somewhere other than my hometown. I haven't known where or why or when or really any of the W's, but I've just gotten the feeling this place wasn't for me.

So, I've waited...

I've lived my life in the process of trying to figure all this out, complete with becoming a beat writer for my paper, getting to cover the Rose Bowl(!), watching all of my coworkers quit, being laid off by unsaid paper, staying confident I'd find something quickly, going into a rut when the job fairy kept procrastinating on my case and coming out of it a stronger, more grounded man, who unfortunately still is without employment.

A little over a year ago, I began to get a series of coincidences, which all seemed to point to the same place. (Side note: I don't believe in coincidences. I believe those unexplainable instances are God's way of speaking to us now.) After getting enough of them to really take notice (I usually need a bludgeon), I decided to take a trip to the place and see why it could be pulling me so much, especially considering I'd never been there for anything more than a football game in a neighboring suburb.

Something about it just drew me in. The most touristy thing I did while there was walk through a park and take some pictures of statues. Most of the time, I was just doing normal activities: walking to the grocery store, walking to the neighborhood pizza place, walking around looking at novelty toy and bookstores, going to the movies, laughing with friends.

There was no luster to this trip, no fanfare or pomp. It wasn't the 4th of July or Oktoberfest or some joyous occasion. In fact, it was just a dreary week in February where the warmest it got was somewhere in the low 40's and the coldest was right around 6. I got yelled at by a city worker, followed for more than two blocks by a man who I'm pretty sure wanted to sell me drugs and slipped so hard on my last night that I got a bruise the size of a 5 lb. weight on my hip.

It has stuck with me for nearly eight months. (The longing to be there, not the bruise. That would be some nasty bruise!) So, I've decided that from now on, I will be looking for work there exclusively and if I haven't found anything by some time in January, I will just go and figure things out when I get there.

I never got to use aloha on Ryan. He and Holly left on a red-eye flight late one night and returned safely. I feel like I can still use it, though.




Welcome (to my future) and goodbye (to the past).

Aloha.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I Must

Some day soon, everything will come out. I'm not sure how it will be received, but that is merely the collateral damage. It's something I have to do for myself...for my life. If I don't, I'll live in wondering what could have been and I can't do that. I know myself too well to say I wouldn't still think about it all the time. I would. And that's why I have to do what I have to do. I'm determined to live a life like Peter -- he didn't always do the right thing, but he was always faithful and always obedient. I must be the same.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Carpe Diem

Leuconoe, don't ask — it's a sin to know — what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be. Whether Jupiter has allotted many more winters to you or this final one which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite — be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have (already) fled. Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

- Horace (Tu ne quaesieris)


The first time it was used, 23 B.C. Still rings true two thousand years later.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Foreboding

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon's partners.

Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Crazy Eyes



Does this look like the vision of a sane individual?

No?

Right, not to me either.

Yes, I'm a Raiders fan...trying to get through every agonzing season week by week.

I mean, I love the Giants. I'm a Bears fan.

But the Raiders are my team. That's why it pains me to see what's going on these days. If they'd just give Lane Kiffin more freedom to do things his way, things would continue to improve. As it is, Al will probably fire him before the season ends and then choose some other coach he thinks he'll be able to walk all over, only to realize after the fact that the guy actually wants some kind of control over the team decisions. That's not something Mr. Davis will allow, so he'll fire him and continue the pattern.

I like Lane. I think what he lacks in experience, he makes up for in smarts and ability to inspire. You need that in a leader/coach. They are undoubtedly more competitive than they were during the Art Shell Debacle: Part Deux and I guarantee they win more than six games this year if he continues to be the coach. (Granted, six isn't alot, but I'm taking my wins where I can get them at this point. Anything around .500 ball would be a great improvement and would make me feel great about where we're headed as a team.)

But that won't happen, thanks to the crazy-eyed old man on the right. Sad to say, but they probably won't be consistenly winning again until he dies. Ask any true Raiders fan and we all know it's true. He's a lunatic...and just like the worst ones, he has absolutely no clue.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Miss Windy

You haunt me like the perfect imperfection of a first kiss, calling my name when I least expect it, reminding me why I want to be around you every time I reminisce. I remember the first time I saw your dreary face. You weren't looking your best, but I still took notice.

I left with not much more than memories, but hindsight is helping me see you clearly. I will return and we'll pick up where we left off, all too abruptly, all to suddenly. Even when I knew it was time to go, it snuck up on me and makes me yearn for the first few days when I was getting to know you better.

My heart skipped beats as I explored you, making sure to take it slow and not go too far, since it was just our first time together. The thought that I only skimmed the surface, merely chipped the iceberg's tip, makes me wonder just how many surprises you have left for me. You left me like only the best comedians know how to do, solely wanting more of you.

Every day I go, someone mentions your name, tantalizing my brain, making me wish I was with you, chilly breath kissing my cheeks, heating me up once again. Your cold touch may scare some off, but to me, it felt like home.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Lack of Sensitivity

Some people leave their hearts in other places.

While I guess that could be true for me on a few different levels, seeing as how ever since I visited friends in Chicago, I've yearned to maintain a residence there, however, I left a little more in the windy city from which four of my top 10 musical artists hail.

No, I left a little piece of my central nervous system.

Ever since I've returned from my wonderful trip, nearly seven months ago, I haven't been able to feel touch on my right forearm. I can still use it just fine (although, the first few times I attempted to work out, a shooting pain would run from my elbow down to my wrist), but I still can't feel when it's touched. It just tingles. There have been times when I've bumped up against things -- chairs, kitchen appliances, sharp knives (kidding) -- and haven't felt a thing. Sounds like something I should probably get checked out, I know, but no health insurance means Sean goes without sensory for a while...at least until this magical, mysterious, elusive new job comes along.

It was chilly, but there's no way that caused it. Maybe when I go back, I'll get it back. Now that would be blog-worthy!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Romancing The Love

So, what is this silly thing called love?

Recently, I've had discussions with plenty of people on the subject. I'm what can probably be called a classic romantic. I like to do things for the lady I'm involved with or like and enjoy the wooing process. I guess you could call it courting, but I'm not sure that term has been actively used in the last 50 years. Most of my conversations -- all, in fact -- came with people who do not consider themselves "romantic" by any means. They'd prefer to call themselves "realistic."

Now, this I have a hard time understanding. Since when does being romantic somehow absolve the ability to be realistic? I'd like to think of myself as a pretty logical guy. When people come to me with problems or matters of the heart, I'm usually going to break it down logically before I do anything else. It is also true, though, that I don't always follow my own advice. Either way, I don't see how being romantic and realistic have to be mutually exclusive.

Not all reality is loving, but love is real, no?
Exactly.
But here's where it starts to get tricky...

I was talking to my mentor about things related to this and he completely separated romance from love. "Romance comes and goes," he explained, "but love is built over time and endures through time, if properly worked on. " He went on, saying, "Marriages built on romantic feelings alone will quickly die. Those feelings don't last. That isn't love; it takes hard work."

Now, I know there's a difference between romance and love, but I'd never heard the contrast being made so sternly before. I've heard couples who've been married for longer than I've been alive say that the key to maintaining their marriage has been the fact that they never let the romance die, that they still do those little things to let the other person know they love each other.

I've also heard of couples who don't do any of those "special" things and still manage to make it together for decades. I guess they've had to work on it a little more.

Love should be a verb, not a noun, I know this.

But there's also something about it that makes it so special that everyone on this Earth looks for it. Think about that...everyone. Whether they admit it or not or even realize it or not. Sure, it manifests itself in other ways for some, but it all comes down to one little four-letter word.

I believe in love as a force. I believe that it can transcend time and age and distance. I do believe in soulmates, that there are those people out there meant for us and if we follow His plan, we'll find them. Or they'll find us. Or we'll find each other...however you want to say it.

It may be an old-school thought process, but I've seen it first-hand with Ryan and Holly (even if he doesn't believe in souls). I knew from very early on with them that they were getting married. God knows when and where and how and the other W's in the equation. I guess it's just up to us to trust Him and let the love -- with or without romance -- flow freely.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Inspiration?

If you're like me and have seen The Dark Knight more than once, then you've probably noticed the trailer for The Watchmen, an adaptation of a graphic novel. (Think Sin City, but with superheroes.) I bring it up because, while I'm not yet sold on the movie, I loved the fact that they played Smashing Pumpkins' The Beginning is the End is the Beginning as the music. There's something about that song that makes it fit perfectly with a movie that has apocalyptic subtexts.

So, I was looking around YouTube for the song, so I could listen to it right now and I found this, from 2006:




Now, if you remember the movie trailer, it must seem a little similar no? That's what I thought too, so just to be sure, I found the Watchmen trailer, released this year:



Hmm...

Eerie coincidence?
Was inspiration taken?
Or was it blatant idea theft?

Sooo....

If you'll remember, just before Ryan's wedding, I spoke of possibly howling in celebration of the blissful ceremony. I extolled the benefits of such an action yadda, yadda, yadda...

Well, if anyone is wondering, I did not howl at said beautiful wedding. I did smile a whole lot, though. And, from the pictures that I've seen, was also able to successfully look like a swollen peep ready for Easter consumption. All the leaping for the wedding photos untucked the shirt a little more than I realized and my true, slimmer form wasn't seen by the guests. However, my other assets* were prominently displayed.

I'm sure glad I didn't howl, too.

Cause the guy who does do that, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, yea he kind of went crazy. First this happened, then this happened.

I guess he was just trying to live up to his name. If that's the case, mazeltov!




*My pants were perfect for my waist, however, i'm not built like a normal human being, so my legs were mighty tight in them, thus accentuating my buttocks and other things.



On a side note, another sad day in the "Sean's Favorite People" list. One of my favorite singers, the icon Isaac Hayes (aka Black Moses), who pretty much paved the way for music as it's done today, passed away in his home in Memphis. They found him next to his treadmill. At least he was trying to stay in shape. It comes just a day after one of my favorite comedians, Bernie Mac, passed. They say these things come in threes. I'm just praying Ernie Banks or Jim Brown or somebody isn't next...

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Rebuilding Process

Rome wasn't built in a day. Hell, it wasn't even burned down in a day, much to Nero's chagrin, I'm sure. But when it did burn down, it was rebuilt. Things might have been lost in the fire, the oldest library known to man at the time might have gone up in the blaze, but they still rebuilt. They went on.

They persevered.

God is faithful.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm A Hero

Now that's the face of a hero! Well, not really. It's the face of an exhausted man with aching feet who was too tired to hold up his head even though he helped a kid play Lost and Found: The Terrified Parent Edition! on the San Gabriel Valley mountain ridge today.

See, I decided to hike up Garcia Trail today to a) work myself nice and hard and b) take some time for myself where I could be alone with my thoughts and prayers and whatnot. After getting to the top of the mountain, I looked to my left and noticed a boy who couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 wandering around, looking at the dried-out shrubs. I figured his father or mother or older brother or someone was nearby and I simply couldn't see them, so I continued along with my hike. There's a path to give the firefighters a "fighting" chance to stop any possible fire that might pop up and also turns into a handy dandy hiking trail for those who aren't fighting fires. So, I stop and take a few pictures and continue along the path and there's the kid again -- still with nobody around him.

At this point, I'm thinking I'm going to catch up to him and ask him if his parents know he's out, walking along the top of a mountain, so I continue my walk and eventually get up to him and as I'm getting closer, he pulls out a cell phone. He fiddles around with it as I approach and as I pull out one of my earbud headphones, I can hear a woman's voice on the speaker phone. I figure someone knows where he is and he's calling someone just in case I wind up being a molester or whatever. (At least I'd want my kid to be that wary of a stranger walking behind him.) So, I hear the voice, think he's OK or at least accounted for and continue to walk on. I get to the highest point, take a few more pictures and begin my trek back down from where I came.

I walk a little ways and there's the kid again! I figure by now that something has to be up, so I decide that when I get to him I'm going to see what's up. When I get down to him, I can see that he's now crying while clutching the phone.

Are you ok?
I get nothing.
Do your parents know where you are?
Yes. (through alligator tears...the voice in the phone the same as before)
Do you need me to help you back down?
No. (through more tears)

Long story short(er), an L.A. County Sherriffs' helicopter shortly appears along with firefighters on foot and in truck to come and rescue a lost boy. He'd called his mom, who then called the authorities, who came loooking for him.

So...I was involved. Really can't say that I helped, but I'm glad my instincts were firing on all cylinders. No boy is going to walk that thing on his own. It's hard enough for men.

I was able to get some nice shots in the midst of all the hooplah.
Like this...

...and this...

...and this...

...and best of all...

Praise be to God.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Awestruck

God is just amazing. I mean, seriously. Just think that a being big enough to create this scene above loves each and every one of us and knows us better than we know ourselves.

There really are no words.

I love looking at the sky. If I could do it for an entire day, I probably would. There's something about looking up at God's creation that just...I don't know. I can't verbalize it. Even on those days when there are barely any clouds or when the only ones are those thin, stringy, weak-looking ones that look like tattered toilet paper, it's enough to make me stop and watch. My favorite days are ones in which it's either already rained or it looks like it's going to. Those thick, water-filled clouds are the best!

Any time you feel like things are going too fast or your day is feeling out of control, I advise you to just stop what you're doing and look up at the sky for a second. The first thing you'll notice is that when you're standing still, it's easy to see the clouds moving. Funny how the world is the same way isn't it? Only when you stop yourself do you realize just how much is going on around you.

Maybe that's why I like it.
Maybe it's my own little daily microcosm of the hectic business of the world.
Or maybe it's just scenes like this...



Sunday, July 27, 2008

I'm In It

I don't know if there's some sort of ring into which I'm supposed to throw my hat.
I don't know if I need to sign up to make it official.

But whatever needs to be done, you need to know that I'm willing to do whatever it is. If this is a competition, consider me a participant.

I've always been a competitive person. I'm the guy that winds up yelling and accusing someone of cheating during a game of charades. If this is a competition, I'm in it.

Friday, July 25, 2008

The Long Haul

I simply sat there, on that wooden bench just outside of Barnes and Noble, listening as he talked about possibly changing the rest of his life. I wondered why it was me he'd called with such important questions. It was obvious he had his future in mind. But why me, his sister's ex?

I had no answer to the question in my mind. So I sat...and listened.

I spoke when I thought things needed to be said. I tried to be insightful and possibly impart some wisdom it seemed he thought I had. Most of all, I tried to keep him from choosing to abandon his passion. It might not be the most lucrative profession, but you've got to do what makes you happiest, I told him.

I really think the people who do what they're passionate about are paid in the future. It might not be monetarily, but they're repaid. If you wind up not being the breadwinner in the family, it doesn't mean you won't be able to contribute to the family just as much as your spouse, it would just be in different ways. You can teach them about history and show them why it's so important in life to know about your past.

I hope I was able to help. Strangely, talking to someone so sure about his passion, but unsure about what to do with it helped me. My unemployment hasn't been easy for me, as many of you know. As the time has gone on, it's been increasingly difficult. But reassuring him about his decisions helped to reassure me about my own.

I know there's something better out there.
It might not be the best-paying job or come with status or any of those other things some people without degrees wind up with, but I know I'll be repaid. God is faithful.

Friday, July 18, 2008

At The Ready

Always with advice at the ready, my mother has never been shy about letting me know what she thinks. Even when she tries to hold back for fear that I'll roll my eyes or give her the "Yes, I know, Mom. I'm 26 years old. I know clean underwear is important. That's why I wear it," I can always tell what she thinks. It's like she's got a little idea tool belt and she'll pull out which ever one she needs for the given moment.

My dealings with the lady folk has been no exception for her. Any time she finds out there's someone around, she tries to supress her usually unsolicited feelings, but they always manage to find their way out of the holster. Over the last few years, things haven't been nearly as unsolicited as they were when I was a young pup and I've come to value my mother's opinion, be it a postmortem discussion about someone I've broken up with or just hearing her take on what she thinks I should do about a girl that I've been talking to.

If episodes of advice could be equated with sporting seasons, then tonight was probably her M.V.P. performance.

Everything she said came with such wisdom behind it. Usually she says things that I've heard somewhere before or it sounds so simple that I'm more apt to dismiss it or at least take it with less weight than intended in the delivery. Not so tonight. Every tidbit seemed fresh, unprepared and filling to my being. Forget chicken soup, it was the wild alaskan king salmon for my unsettled soul.

My holster-holding mom, part-time sage.

Friday, July 11, 2008

The Day After

I watched her walking down the aisle, then turned my left and saw you breaking down and trying to hold it together while looking at her.

I almost lost it myself.

Great ceremony, even better reception and you were a married man.

Congrats buddy. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Me vs. Mexico

I've never been one to go against Mother Nature.

Ever since I was a wee laddy, I've been infatuated with how nature works within itself and uses the smallest of elements coexisting to create a perfect balance (so long as humans don't screw things up). I've always felt that since I've been so astonished by nature that it would be good to me. I mean, I know certain parts of the wild are, well, wild, but never did I figure it would go all M. Night Shyamalan on me and start striking back.

My trip to Mexico -- specifically, a cruise to Cabo San Lucas -- wasn't supposed to include injury and a full-body need for aloe.

On the anniversary of the day our Founding Fathers chose to commemorate good ol' America's independence from those thieving, cheating, rotten, wig-wearing (wait, we wore wigs too. discount that one), marching-in-lines-during-wars Britons, the Mexican sun decided to give me a little uno-doce combination right across my face and upper body. The fact that I put sunblock on about a half hour into the tanning session did little to change the outcome that has now become my salmon-tinted chest, shoulders and stomach. Unfortunately, I didn't take it with me when we first went out to the deck of the Carnival Elation and didn't think it'd be too bad to just lay out for a few minutes before going back inside and grabbing the lotion.

The true effects of the unprotected sunning didn't show themselves until that night when I walked into my cabin bathroom getting ready for a shower and was amazed at what I saw. I'd show a picture, but, unfortunately, I didn't take one while I was at my orangey-pinkish heights.

Here's the closest thing I could find. I was most like the one in the middle and am now closer to the one on the left. Ironically enough, for the last three days, I've been radiating heat as if I'd been cooked like a fine Alaskan. Mmmm, fish. My mouth just watered a little.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Numbers Game


I can still remember the day we met.

It was move-in day for the freshman and all of Smith Hall was buzzing. Kids were walking up staircases with boxes in their hands obstructing their views, making them completely unaware to the other students trying to get by them. Josh and I had already been living together for over two weeks, having moved in early because we were part of the football team. The room we lived in was built to accomodate two roommates, but we'd chosen to allow a third person to live with us to ease the housing crunch and also save $500 per semester off our housing bills.

The day finally arrived for us to meet our roommate, Ryan Thompson, whom I'd called earlier in the summer just to get that first nervous conversation out of the way. He seemed like a nice enough guy over the phone, but I had no clue what he looked like. So when I came back into my room from flagging my mom down in the parking lot and saw the back of a small, skinny kid who couldn't have been older than 16, I knew Ryan had arrived, but figured the figure sitting on the bed in the middle of the room was his little brother.

Hi, I'm Ryan. Are you Josh?
Heeeey, no, I'm Sean. Josh is out getting lunch I think. Nice to meet you.

Of course, what I learned over those first couple of months is that it wasn't nice to meet Ryan. His bed, which hadn't been in the room until the day of his moving in, created some serious space problems. As did the extra desk they shoved into the room...along with the spare dresser. All these new things upset the rhythm Josh and I had just begun to establish and sent the room no bigger than a solitary confinement jail cell into disarray.

We bickered constantly, struggling to find a common ground between his love for quiet and stillness while studying and my need for music or television noise in the background. He hated my music and asked me to either turn it down or off nearly every day.

Our schedules conflicted. I always seemed to have time off when he was studying. There were times when I deliberately did things to upset him and get him to study somewhere else. Where, I didn't care. There were times when he said things that got me so angry, I left the room to keep from punching him right in his stinkface.

Seaaaaan...

He always used to say that, switching from higher octave to lower when he got to the A. It was such a condecending tone (or at least I took it as such) that I started doing and saying things just to get him to say it because it was his sign of frustration. I loved to frustrate him.

Eventually, the craziest of things happened...we became friends. He, Joshua and myself began going to dinner together at Take 5. We'd talk about the matters of that day and just random things in general: a recent Simpsons episode, a joke Conan O'Brien might have said that Ryan missed because he always haaaaad to be asleep by 9 o'clock. At least it felt like that to me since I never went to bed earlier than midnight. Things weren't perfect, but we learned how to tolerate each other, then how to not mind each other's company, then how to -- gasp! -- enjoy each other's company. By winter break, things weren't perfect, but they were OK enough to where changing rooms between semesters was no longer a threat. It set the stage for some amazing things in the upcoming semester.

The three of us began having late-night talks after Conan's monologue, which we'd watch as a group as Josh mimicked Conan's little opening hop. We'd talk about anything and everything, me or Josh usually bringing up the topic and Ryan giving his self-assured opinion and Josh and I bouncing off that. To this day, I think those talks are what turned us into the group we affectionately call 203. Unity was fostered in the penny fights I'd pick with Ryan which would start only after all the lights were out. I'd hit him in the face. He'd hit the window behind me. We'd all play Super Smash Bros. on my Nintendo 64 and create our own game-playing vernacular. Boot to the face! Donkey kick to Hell! Quit poaching my kills! Poke-lag. Crossfire! There are times when we get together now that we still play, like we did last Wednesday, and everything comes rushing back to the fore...as if it hasn't been eight years since we lived with each other.

So much has changed since then (including his height!), the biggest of which being that Ryan is getting married in two weeks to a wonderful lady named Holly. Josh and I now have a code for how we classify girls based on how Ryan gushed about her in the early stages of their dating. If she's "amazing," then she's wifey material because when he began telling us about her, all we remember is him saying "she's amazing" in a way that we just knew something was up. When we lived together, I always used to tell him he'd get married before either Josh or myself because it was perfect Godly irony that he had the shortest dating record of the three of us and would find his wife first. Sure enough...

I also told him I'd be happier at his wedding than my own because of some of the sour luck he'd experienced. I don't know who deserves it more than him. I wish one day that I can have his character. It'll be a long time coming, that's for sure.

But now that he's getting hitched, it also means he's leaving, both literally and figuratively. A couple weeks after the wedding, the newlyweds will move to Northern California, which I'm pretty sure will put a crimp into the number of 203 sightings. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure about that one. It's a weird little mixture of incredible happiness for his joy and the sadness of losing the availability of one of my two best friends. I think in my own little selfish way, it's a good test run to get me ready for when they leave the country, which is coming sooner than later. I don't know that it's something I look forward to. Gonna miss him.

I pray it isn't the end of 203. Some guys disappear after they get married. I don't think such is the case with the old Ryebread, but you never know. You can't predict these things. You can't have 203 without all three of us. It's a strange mixture when we come together that can't be described. Two of us together isn't the same as all three. The dynamics just aren't the same. Wednesday reminded me of that and made me nostalgic for the days when we literally couldn't go two steps without running into each other.

We're older, hopefully wiser and growing up. But part of me still misses the late-night talks and penny fights.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Primal Urges


Sometimes you just wanna howl at the moon, kinda like my good buddy Quinton "Rampage" Jackson up there. By good buddy I mean, I've seen him beat people up on t.v. just like everyone else. See, he's a mixed martial artist...as in he beats people up for a living. Every time he wins, he howls. It's his "thing" and probably something his competitors wished they'd thought of first. It's a pretty cool celebration and takes you back to when us humans were fending for ourselves in the forests and deserts and prairies of this world. Sure, we weren't howling, but I'm sure we had to be making some sort of primal screams to show just how dominant we were.

I don't know about anybody else, but for the last few months, I've been itching to howl. It sounds weird, I know. But I remember when I was playing football and we'd scream and hoot and make whatever else noise we wanted during pregame. If you scoff, just try it some day and see how you feel afterward. Giving a powerful, unrestrained yelp could very well be cathartic. And while I'm not sure how soothing it'd be to beat someone up for a living, I can see how they'd go hand in hand with the after-the-fact howling.

Maybe I'll do it at Ryan's wedding. The howling, not the beating of people. Although I think either way I'm going to be the hit of the party! Wohoo!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Third Time's A Charm?

Over the last year, I've applied to work for a certain magazine two different times.

The first time, I felt great about things. I was a naive 25-year-old who pretty much just assumed he'd get any job he wanted. Previous experiences had lent to the mindset and so when I found out they'd filled the job internally, I didn't take it especially well.

Time No. 2 was entirely different. Well, not quite. I was still 25, probably still a little naive about the job application process, but definitely a little more jaded about the situation since at that point I'd been turned down for one that had enthralled me even more than the previous position.

So I applied.
And got a postcard back thanking me for my application and that I'd be informed further if they liked what they saw. That was all I heard from them.

I have applied once again, at the wise old age of 26, not expecting to get the job, but fully confident I can get the job done should they be wise enough to see what I'm about.

Hopefully, the third time's the charm.
I'd appreciate full-time employment again.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Why I Like Barack

So in the honor of dual promotion and the like, I thought I'd just re-post a blog from my MySpace blog that I did a couple months ago. Seeing as how he's now the actual nominee, I figure it's a good time. So yes...here it. Enjoy!




I remember the day well...

It was late 2004 and I was watching the last night of the Democratic National Convention on ABC. Charlie Gibson – or maybe it was Peter Jennings, I can’t quite remember – sat perched above the convention center and talked about how there would be a young, charismatic senator from Illinois who had been chosen to give the keynote address before John Kerry came out to speak. He said his name, Barack Obama, as if he was savoring every syllable.

Barrrrrrack Obahhhmahhh.

When he walked out onto the stage, to a huge ovation, a long, lanky figure, my mind swam with questions as I sat at my desk chair, having just eaten dinner.

Who is this guy to get this kind of ovation?How have I not heard of him yet if he’s this popular?He’s black? There’s another prominent black person on the horizon?He looks young. How old is he?

I just sat there and watched him with his bright purple tie and self-assured smile as he stepped to the podium, giving what seemed to be a genuine smile to the elated crowd. He spoke of some amazingly controversial things at the time: being inclusive. He talked about collaborating with Republicans and his belief in an America that’s more than red states and blue states. I later figured out that was the reason for his tie color, the combination of red and blue. He spoke of his dream for the country and how, despite the current tenor of the politics of the time (which has only gotten worse, by the way), we as a nation, as a conglomerate of good-hearted people could make it the United States of America once again.

I was captivated. Here was a man talking about the audacity of hope, how there’s a certain boldness that comes with believing in the good in people. Being a jaded, pessimistic cynic takes no courage. Having hope in people, entrusting them with your dreams by giving them the benefit of the doubt takes immense courage. For the first time in my lifetime someone was talking about such things as if they weren’t wistful allegory, rather as though they could actually happen...and in our lifetime, no less. This is not some dreamland, it is our country and we can make it happen.
In early 2006, when I found out he had a book out, Dreams From My Father, I clamored to get it. I read it in two weeks. After I finished reading the book, which he wrote after having become the first black man and youngest person ever to head the Harvard Law Review, I decided to write him a letter letting him know the divine purpose I felt he possessed and that it was his duty to run for president in the upcoming campaign. There could be no waiting another four or – God forbid – eight years. America needed him now. Three weeks later, before I’d actually written the letter, Barack announced his plans to run.

When I tell people who I support, I usually get the "oh it’s cause you’re black" look or maybe they’ll just come right out and say it. It’s the kind of prejudiced thought process crippling our country today. People can’t like to do something simply because they like to do it, it must be because of their race or upbringing. Blacks aren’t supposed to skateboard and listen to punk music. White people aren’t supposed to like anything other than country music. Latinos are only allowed to take the low-wage jobs, but not too many or else there’s hell to pay. One of the actual reasons I’ve heard for why he shouldn’t be president is that his middle name is Hussein, as if it’ll mean he’ll be a tyrant as well or something. Barack isn’t Muslim, he’s a Christian, but because his Kenyan family gave him a name with Islamic roots, he’s torn down as if he’s one of the enemy.

That’s not the country I believe in and it certainly isn’t the one our forefathers sought independence for.

I believe in a country that actually had an island devoted solely to the acceptance of immigrants and still has people risking their lives every single day simply to set foot on its land.

I believe the people of this country have so much more in common than not and that what divides us should be embraced instead of seen as a reason for hate or bias. My two best friends are superficially nothing like me. One, a tall, lanky, pale white, conservative kid from Orange County who had had no relationship deeper than acquaintance with a black person before he’d met me. The other, a fit, olive-skinned half-Irish, half-Portuguese who loved punk and wearing sole-less Vans. Instead of picking each other apart, we have picked up each others’ tendencies and ambitions. All three of us now like punk – and hip hop. One changed his party affiliation. We realized our similarities outweighed our differences. How galvanized would the country be if more people did the same?

I believe this country could be so much more than what it has become, a disappointing menagerie of fear-based political agendas. The kind of polarizing jargon that has, until recently, made most Democrats afraid to say one word against the war on terror for fear that they’ll be called unpatriotic.

(Sidebar: What’s going on in Iraq is most definitely not a war on terror. It’s a war to control one of the most oil-rich countries in the Middle East. Had it been a war on terror, as Mr. Bush likes to call it, we would have kept the focus on the actual terrorists, which were – and still are, by the way – in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The Iraq War is all about taking care of his father’s unfinished business and then maintaining possession of one of Iran’s neighbors.)

I believe the power still lies within the people, we simply don’t realize it. Instead, we accept being told what’s in our best interest and allow our rights to be taken away from us, one discredited Amendment at a time, for the "good of the country." It is up to us to seek the knowledge being deprived by the current administration. An educated population is a strong one and the more people who realize that, the better off our nation will be. So long as we simply accept what is being fed to us without delving deeper, we will continue to feel like the power is being sucked away faster than blood by a leech.

That starts with us trusting each other, being able to move as a unit instead of a collection of combative individuals. It starts with us being able to trust the leadership we elect into positions of power. It starts with us taking control by taking pride and responsibility in voting our (educated) conscience. It starts with us being passionate about the things that matter in this world. That is how we unite.

I believe one person can lead the country back together after nearly a decade of such severe divisiveness that people call each other conservative and liberal as if it’s a bad name or something of which they should be ashamed. I believe one person has the charisma and the audacity to believe it can happen too.

I believe his name is Barack Obama, the tall, lanky black guy with the purple tie.

Monday, June 16, 2008

List Update

I was watching TV a few days ago and noticed someone who was left off my list. When I realized it, I really was ashamed. I mean, it's such an egregious error, I'm almost embarassed to actually put it on here, especially considering my previous error, but she must go on.

So, without further adieu...

I present the new No. 3: Stacey Dash.

Believe it or not, She turned 42 on January 20th. Oh, and btw, there were many other pictures, but I just wanted to protect her...umm....privacy. That's what we'll call it.

Oh Father, Where Art Thou?

<----- Take a look at that picture. I mean, take a good look. Examine it for a few seconds. Go ahead. I've got time... Ok, good. Now that that's done, I thought I'd talk about that lady down in the bottom left. It's my mom. For those of you who have never seen her before and are a little struck by the fact that we're pretty different in color, I'll answer you first question: No, my father isn't white. He's the same complection as me, which caused me to be born looking like I was Michael Jackson -- post vitiligo outbreak. In fact, she always used to tell me how the only part of her that I got was my nose. I'd like to think I have a pretty cute nose, so I'll be more than happy to say I got that from her. All I really have to go on to know how the man who gave me my Y chromosome is my mom's word, though -- well that and a picture from when I was about 3 where he came to visit me -- because my father was a deadbeat, both by title and (lack of) action.

Now, I'm working on a little something dealing with this issue that I'm not yet comfortable revealing, but needless to say, the lack of a father has impacted me in ways I'm probably not even aware of at this moment. So every year, when Father's Day comes around, it's always a strange little feeling. I mean, there are some years when I don't even realize the day. I've never had a reason to commemorate it with anything more than the thought of what it would have been like to have a father. I wonder, but that's the extent of it.

I'm a daydreamer by trade. Those of you who know me well know that most of the dreams I have never come during my REM. They come when the sun is still up. I used to do it all the time at school growing up, then at work. I just drift into another world. In all my dreams, I've never seen what it would be like with a father. It simply doesn't enter my consciousness.

Three of my close friends have lost their fathers, one whose dad just passed three weeks ago. I try to empathize and think about how hard it must be for them, but the truth is I have no idea. Only recently have I even had a male mentoring figure in my life, so all my experiences in learning from men have been pretty sparse. Actually, contentious is probably the better-suited word. When a man tries to educate me, in any sense of the word, things don't usually go over too well.

Needless to say, Father's Day is just another day to me. The only thing special about it is that it give me a chance to buy some new clothes or undershirts or something, capitalizing on the Father's Day sales...the one week of the year that men's clothing actually is discounted.

Juno just came to mind...the part where Jennifer Gardner's character is trying to convince Juno that Jason Bateman's character really does wanna be a father, but he's just hesitant. As Juno is scurrying out of their suburban splendor of a home, she says, "All the books say a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant, a man becomes a father once he sees his child."

If that's true, then I probably won't really "get" Father's Day until I'm a father myself.
I'm OK with that.

Let's go back up to that photo. I'd use an arrow, but I don't know how to make one go straight up like I would need it. Take another look at it. I'm a patient man (well, somewhat), I can wait.

I've always heard that single mothers have to be the mother and the father and that's why it's so hard. I don't know that I agree with that. The male role in a family is extremely important and a mother, no matter how strong she is, can't replace that. Over the years, my mom has attempted to give me mentors and have me get close to men, seemingly sensing this. Most of the time, I've been pretty obstinate to any efforts she's made in the area. At this point, it's too late. I'm a grown man. I don't need another man trying to treat me like a child.

Nope, I may not have had a father, but I had a mother who did teach me alot:

When dealing with a woman, above all else, treat her with respect.
Open every door for her. (She still stands in front of doors and waits for me to get there to open them up for her. If I hesitate, she just looks at me until I figure it out.)
Be honest with her.
Tell her she's beautiful.
Make her laugh.
Don't be afraid to be "soft" around her. Show her your kind heart.
But don't be too soft.

So I'm not one of those guys who gives his single mom a sappy Father's Day card. I didn't have one and that's OK. My mom taugh me more than enough and she did a better job than Carl Chandler probably would have.

But she was wrong about something --I got much more from her than my nose. And I can thank God for that...and her, too.

(P.S: This is what I looked like for the first year of my existence. Well, cuter of course. Oh, and I didn't have eyebrows for the first six months. I was like the yellow sheep of my family. Still kinda am, actually, but that's another blog for another day.)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Starry Eyes

I looked into the sky for a brief second and in that instant, You winked at me.

And I was broken.

Once the flood washes away the past, all that's left is to rebuild.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Grease this puppy up

I'm a lucky guy, I know this much. I have a roof, food, occasional means to acquire said food.

It's just that sometimes you feel like things are so stagnant that you wonder when exactly they'll become more fluid. I could use some increased viscosity right about now. Something's gotta get the gears turning.

I need clarity.
Lord, I need clarity.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Monumental Dilemma

Ok, well not "monumental," per se, but it's definitely not one I'd like to think about...

This week -- Tuesday, specifically -- is going to be a day of tough decisions for me. You see, no less than four of my favorite musical artists are coming out on the same exact day.

Now, normally, it'd be one of the best days of the year. I'd be writing a blog celebrating the fact that I get to enjoy that much new music from artists I love and how Tuesday will be nothing but a day-long audiogasm.

However, there's no joy in Mudville this year because of the whole no job thing. So I'll have to choose between a few favs, including Coldplay.

Ugh, this is going to be tough.

Friday, June 6, 2008

On The Road


Something about traveling stokes the embers of my soul like very few things do.

It's not even being in the new place, I know that much. I enjoy the packing, driving to the airport, getting the ticket, going through the security checks (ok, well maybe not that part of it), putting my clothes back on from the TSA strip search if I have a beard that trip, walking to the gate, sitting at the gate, sitting at the gate some more, getting on the flight, adjusting my knees to a comfortable area so they aren't pressed up against the seat in front of me when the person in said occupied seat leans back (they ALWAYS do), turning my headphones back on after the plane is in the air, watching the the little sim cities go by on the way to the destination, anticipating the landing, thanking God for a safe landing, waiting for the masses to exit the plane, walking out into a new city I've never seen before and walking around the terminal wondering just how many different places all these people are from.

I love the act of traveling more than actually being in the new place. It's strange. The best part of traveling with my football team back in college was the actual traveling. I mean, sure, the game was fun and winning was definitely nice. But it was the traveling that got me going.

Maybe I should do it more often.
That'd be nice.

Just a few things I'm thinking about...

Am I less of a man because I happen to enjoy Sex and the City?
I have body hair, a deep voice, fairly large hands and played football for 11 years of my life, does that offset knowing who Aidan is and feeling his pain?

The wedding for one of my best friends is in a little more than a month.
I couldn't be happier about that.
Unfortunately, I'm unemployed and don't really have money for their gift. Maybe I'll get them a ladel or silverware set or something.

After talking with a couple friends about my Top 5 Women Over 35 Who Still Rock My Socks, I thought I might have missed a couple of ladies who should not be left off the list: Persia White and amazing, indominable Lisa Bonet. Yes, please. Now, while Persia isn't yet 35 (still just 31! She's within bonafide striking distance), she's disqualified from the running. If she was 35, though, she'd supplant somebody...possibly Salma. Heresy, I know. Lovely Lisa, however, just turned 40(!) last year, so she's gotta find a spot on the list. So, I thought about it for a bit and Lisa -- who is probably the reason I like the ladies that I like -- moves all the way up to No. 2, bumping Halle to third and Salma out of the Top 5. Sad times, but it had to be done. No way I can leave out the lady who has shaped my dating tastes. Cheers!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A Quickie

I love You, Lord.

I trust You with my life and the decisions within them. I trust that you will guide me and give me the right direction to make the choices You would have me make. It is by Your will that I strive to live my life, not by mine.

I pray that in these upcoming days, weeks, months and years that I make my choices according to Your plan for my life, even though I have no clue what that specifically is at this point in my life. You do not make mistakes. I trust You completely and will go wherever you want me to go, regardless of where I want to be.

Thank You, Lord, for life.
Thank You for all of the blessings you have given me.

Your will be done in my life.

Friday, May 30, 2008

To No Avail

So, I went to Vail yesterday.

You know, the one in Colorado that single-handedly boosts the state's economy by 60% during the winter because of all the rich people spending way too much money on ski-related merchandise.

The one that hosts a film festival.

The one with seemingly zero homes under a million-dollar price tag.

Yea, I was there yesterday. Well, really, I passed through Vail on my way to Edwards, "a city so small, it isn't even a city," where I interviewed for a job to be a copy editor for a start-up newspaper. It's owned by a guy who's had a history of flipping papers like someone would flip a low-priced, recently-foreclosed home for profit. He seemed like a nice enough man, very affable. He has a convincing grin that makes it easy to see how he's been able to win people over throughout the years. Also there was the first person he hired for the new paper, the managing editor who would also write and design some pages.

After a few hours of talking with the two -- and having them tell me more than a couple times that I was right for the job -- I got the sense that these two were good guys, but that was about it. Cutting corners seems just a little too acceptable, typos taken a little too cavalier. I just don't know that I trust the situation...or the ethical standards being discussed. I told them I needed the weekend to think about it, but after discussing with my friends and family, I think my mind is already made up.

So, despite the AMAZING homes (that I'd only really have as eye candy), one of which actually had an observatory telescope coming up out of the roof, and the strong wind gusts that didn't have any dust in them to make me sneeze or get in my eyes, and the way the sun gave the not-yet-completely-melted snow a pearlescent glow, I don't know that my conscience or my good logical mind will allow me -- even in my current pseudo-desperate times -- to accept it.

Looks like I'm staying in Southern California...for now.
My mom thinks "the next step," something I've been pondering about way before I was laid off, is closer than she thought it was a while ago. I agree with her.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Best List Ever Made

In honor of my good friend Holly, I'm going to do a nice little list. Since she's marrying one of my two best friends in just over a month (crazy!), I figure it's a good time...although my list might not be as, umm, effeminite. :o)

but yea...my Top Five Actresses Over 35 and Still Rocking My Socks*:

1. Jada Pinkett-Smith
2. Halle Berry
3. Nia Long
4. Julia Louis Dreyfus
5. Salma Hayek

*If I'd chosen to wait a little later in the year, Tyra Banks would most DEFINITELY be on this list, but she doesn't turn 35 until December and I'm not waiting.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

anyone got a blunt object?

this is going to be short because i'm pretty tired and i promised the next blog would be a happy, uplifting one and this definitely isn't that.

(btw, who am i promising? i'm pretty sure NOBODY reads these things. well, maybe some people hired by the bush administration because once i voted for al gore in the 2000 election, all of a sudden my voter registration was revoked and i had to do it again. coincidence? i don't know...)

i don't have love figured out by any means. sure, i can give advice, but when it comes to my own love life -- or just relationship life, i guess -- i'm like a tadpole trying to swim in the deep end, just floundering about, trying to touch the bottom so i don't drown.

i can't get her out of my head.
i keep trying.
NOTHING is working.
not that i really want to forget her or anything that happened, but in order to remain a sane individual, it's best that i try to. i hope someone understands that and that i'm not mad already.

if i had my way...well, i'm not going to say what would be different. but things would be different.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

i could use some good news

so...yet another possible employer let me know that despite my "great qualifications" and "immense potential" and "obvious skill," i wasn't quite good enough to work for them. it's funny how often i've heard that in this whole process. not really funny "ha-ha," but funny interesting that kinda leaves you wondering if you'll ever be good enough. it's the fourth or fifth place to let me know they loved me...just not enough to hire me. good times.

it follows along a nice little pattern that i'd rather not discuss. so yes...

it seems i only use this blog for bad times. my other one gets much more love. neglect is never good. i'll try to redeem myself and much like my good friend (and best friend's fiance) holly snyder, be more entertaining. my dronings are enough to give someone a personality disorder.

oh! one good thing...i'm going to the dodgers game on wednesday! let's hope it doesn't get rained out. there's a system supposedly coming through that day.

Friday, January 25, 2008

i got it bad

it's 3:38 in the a.m. and i can't get her out of my head. eloquence left long ago. all that remains is her.

that's not a problem. it's the distance that i wanna do away with. ugh.

february can't come soon enough, that's all i know.