Back At It

Three years ago, to the day, I began a weight-loss program that was to change my life -- or at least my stature. I was fed up with the size at which I'd lived virtually my entire life up to that point and was determined to change that reality. The goal was to lose 66 pounds in the next year. I put no specific time requirements on myself other than to lose it by the end of the 2007 calendar year.

I lost 63 in 6 months.

When I got so close to my goal, I relaxed and never tasted the finish line. Noooooot quite. For the better part of two years, I kept it off really well. I went to the gym every day regardless of how tired I was and was able to get all new clothes. Out of the doubles and into the Xs. I was pretty happy about that.

But then I slowly began to put it back on.

I went on a cruise with one of my best friends. I'm not sure if any of you have been on a cruise, but it's basically a boat full of "free" food that's accessible at all hours of the day or night. After a couple of adult beverages, a piece of tasty pizza sounds pretty good at 2:00 in the morning. I was able to do some damage control following that weekend, but I could feel it sliding a bit.

Then I moved out to Chicago, which doesn't have a 24-Hour Fitness, so I was left to run on my own instead of lifting and using the machines. Turns out the machines were good at keeping stress off my knee because after about a month of running 3 miles 3 times a week, my right knee began to ache. So, I stopped. And the gaining started.

I've probably gained 20 since I moved, which is unacceptable for me. I refuse to go back to that size. It cannot happen. That is why, with the help of the sturdy weights at the World Gym, I will be losing the last 40. This time, there is a goal...May 7th, also known as my 28th birthday. It's ambitious, but definitely feasible.

Goal weight by 28.
My new mantra.

I've done it before. I will do it again. And even better this time.

Geniuses

Nike, that is.

In anticipation of the hype surrounding two of their top sellers playing each other on Christmas Day -- namely, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James -- Nike decided to bring back the Kobe/LeBron puppets from last year's playoffs. Their missed opportunity at a Finals showdown became some of the funniest commercials out there right now. Throw in Lupe Fiasco as Blitzen and KRS-One as Santa and you have three instant classics.

Enjoy...








Merry Christmas Blitz!

Who Stole Christmas?

Wow.

Almost a month since my last post. It was a while. I'll most likely get into all of the reasons as to why I couldn't post another day, but for now there's something much more important going on...we have a birthday to celebrate!

That's right, the Big Guy's Son -- well, kinda -- is having His birthday in less than two hours. And while I'm definitely excited for that, I'm not so much pumped about all the other stuff...the materialistic me me me of this season has become much worse than I remember. It saddens me.

This day, Christmas Eve, used to be my favorite day of the year. Not because the next day was the day I'd get to open my presents or because my favorite Christmas special was being broadcast on television. There was something palpable about Christmas Eve that doesn't seem to be there anymore -- a certain crispness in the air that I haven't felt in a few years.

My cousin Catrina got me some Grinch boxers to sleep in (and believe me I will), but I don't know if he'll be able to steal Christmas this year. He may shimmy down the chimney and tiptoe across the hall, only to find that everything's been taken already...by greed, selfishness, petty feelings and an unsatisfied consumer base.

Perhaps I'm the fool. Maybe I'm the one who bought into the sales pitch disguised as Christmas cheer and was wrong the whole time. Perhaps that "smell of Christmas" was really just pine trees on ever block. Who knows.

If anything good does come from it, I hope it's the realization that without Christ, there would be no Christmas anything. No trumped up stories about Santa or Pere Noel. No reindeer with bright red noses who would be pretty useful in Oklahoma right about now.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. If so, then praise be.

A Quickie

Apologies for the last couple of days...Thanksgiving combined with moving have made it harder to post. I recognize also that I need to make picks again. So...here we go. Quick but sweet...bold team is the winner.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Miami at Buffalo
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at NY Jets
Washington at Philadelphia
Indianapolis at Houston
Kansas City at San Diego
Jacksonville at San Francisco
Chicago at Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at New Orleans

And to be honest about the other games, had I picked them, I would have wound up 2-1 on the day. I would have picked the Giants.

It's Crazy

I don't know what happened...

I woke up this morning, showered, dressed and left the house with no sweater or jacket.

It was 44 degrees out.

This Cali kid a few months ago would have never done that. Ok, well that's not completely true...I might have. But I would have lamented the cold for sure. Today, not so much.

I know it's just the tip of the iceberg, what if...I've already assimilated?

Cwazy thought.

The Unknown

If I had the answers to many of life's (in particular, my own) questions, things would be much easier, obviously.

I would already know just why God wants me in Chicago.
I would know just what He wants for my life.
I would be able to sell my services out to everyone because we all have those questions.

But if I did have all the answers, nothing would be unknown. I'd be more likely to take the little things for granted because I know the end result. A few of my friend have run marathons recently and during their trainings, they take things slowly. They don't just go out and run a full marathon, they start little and work their way to the end result. Life needs to be like that.

We need to work and trust that the end result will be what we think it can be. I need to do that...and work for the glory of the Lord.

It would be nice to know, but then there'd be no surprise.
I love surprises.

In It To Win It

Chances are, when she won the 2008 World Junior Championships race some 13 months ago, South African runner Caster Semenya didn't think she was trying to fool anyone. She entered as a woman because that's what she is.

But following the 2009 World Championships in Berlin in early August, the 18-year-old's gender was called into question after she shattered her previous personal record for the second time in two races, flexing her protruding biceps in celebration.

That's where it got interesting for the young woman with the rippling abs and innocent smile, who was so affected by the scrutiny she was receiving, she couldn't take her college finals. A rumor came out that she had both male and female sex organs. She was asked to take more gender tests.

So many people cared about what she was, not so much about who she was.

"She is my little girl," her father Jacob Semenya told a Sowetan newspaper as speculation mounted. "I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."

I can't imagine what it would be to have a daughter whose very gender is questioned, but I know how vehemently I would defend it.

On Thursday, it was announced that the International Association of Athletics Federations would allow her to keep her medal and prize money. No word yet on whether or not she'll still be allowed to compete with women. The South African sports ministry also said they would not release the findings of her gender test.

"Whatever scientific tests were conducted legally within the IAAF regulations will be treated as a confidential matter between patient and doctor," it said. "As such there will be no public announcement of what the panel of scientists has found. We urge all South Africans and other people to respect this professional ethical and moral way of doing things."

Whatever the results, she shouldn't be made some public spectacle or cheater. She didn't cheat. She played within the rules her body allowed her, whatever that may mean.

No matter what they say, those results don't change the fact that she's a human being just like the rest of us. And that's more important than any race she could ever win or the results of any test.

Mini Pick - Week 11

Another week, another Thursday game to catch people off guard. It'd be nice to bounce back from my 8-6 effort last week and there's no better time than the present!

Miami at Carolina: I'm not sure why some analysts are so fired up about the Panthers now that they've won a couple of games. They're still 4-5 and, to me, are just as good as their record indicates. They'll finish either 8-8 or 7-9. Good, just not good enough. The Dolphins are supposed to be better than they are defensively and more limited offensively than they appear to be. They took a big hit losing Ronnie Brown for the rest of the year, but they should be OK with the rejuvenated Ricky Williams taking over the lead role. At least this week...and against the Panthers and interception waiting to happen, Mr. Jacob Delhomme.

Dolphins, 24-17

Loyal Flock

When the sheep follow the shepherd, they find pasture.

Praise be to the Shepherd.

In Review (so far)

If there was a sound to go with my picks this week, it'd be this...

Week 10 Picks

Fresh off my fairly mediocre first week of picking, I'm confident this week will be better for me, despite some pretty tough games on the schedule. I've already gotten one in the books, so hopefully 14 more follow.

New Orleans at St. Louis: Could we see the first game in NFL history where one offense plays for both teams? That's the only way that the Rams could possibly win this game. That offense is sooo, so bad. If only Steven Jackson could clone himself.

Saints, 38-10

Tampa Bay at Miami: Coming off their first win of the season, the Bucs take on the Dolphins and that Wildcat offense. Tampa has the No. 30 rushing defense in the league and Miami's strength is running the ball. What could we see? Is 300 yards too much to ask? We'll see.

Dolphins, 27-13

Detroit at Minnesota: Let me just say that this is my survivor pick this week. I just don't see any way the Vikings lose. They're fresh off the bye. They have AP. They have some old dude at QB. They're tough at home. Detroit is better, but it still sucks. Writing's on the wall.

Vikings, 31-10

Jacksonville at NY Jets: I've seen some people make this their "upset special" in favor of the Jaguars and I can understand why. Ever since that quick start, the Jets have been underwhelming, losing four of their last five games. Coming off the bye, though, they should have righted the ship and have a good game against a tougher-than-their-record Jags team.

Jets, 16-14

Buffalo at Tennessee: The Vince Young Revival Tour returns home to face a Buffalo team that plays hard on defense, but can't figure things out on offense. I don't think the first two games with non-schitz VY were a fluke. I think it continues and the Titans take another step toward erasing that dreadful start.

Titans, 24-17

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh: One of the first big, big games of the week. I wish it was the Monday night game. Anything but seeing the Browns. As it stands, this game will go a very long way toward determining who wins the AFC North, especially if the Bengals win. The Steelers have just been laying in the weeds, beating team after team and seem to be firing on all cylinders. Cincinnati still has people wondering if they're for real, even after all the people they've beaten. Unfortunately for them, I think they'll still have to answer those questions after this game.

Steelers, 24-20

Denver at Washington: In my survivor picking, I've adhered to one policy: stay as far away from the Redskins as possible. They're impossible to select with confidence. The Broncos, on the other hand, are just...well, they're not as good as their record and until they realize that they have one of the most explosive players in the league on their roster, then they'll remain that way. The will, however, get a win.

Broncos, 28-14

Atlanta at Carolina: Whether or not DeAngelo Williams plays will factor greatly into this one. Atlanta is better than its record and if Williams doesn't play, it might be tough for them to control the clock, which is necessary when you have Jake Delhomme as your quarterback. If he does, it still might be a long day.

Falcons, 31-21

Kansas City at Oakland: All of one team's strengths are the other one's weaknesses. Who knows what happens. I'm a reformed Raiders fan, so I may have some pent up aggression towards Al Davis in this pick. They're both in turmoil, they both have holes everywhere. I don't know who to pick, honestly, but since the Raiders are home, I'll go with them.

Raiders, 17-10

Seattle at Arizona: The Cardinals are terrible at home. The Seahawks are terrible on the road. Who knows what will happen in this one. Last week's win against the Bears should propel Arizona to the win.

Cardinals, 23-20

Dallas at Green Bay: The Packers' loss last week to the Bucs was the nail in their coffin. They'll win more games, but emotionally, that game was tough to take. It won't get any better for them this week against a Cowboys team that realizes just how good it is. Dallas' pass rush will make it a long day for Rodgers, getting to him early and often.

Cowboys, 31-24

Philadelphia at San Diego: This could be a great one, with two offenses that can score from anywhere on the field. The Eagles always lose some tough ones and people count them out and then they win and win and win some more. This could be the beginning of their late-season run they always seem to make.

Eagles, 35-27

New England at Indianapolis: The other HUGE game of the week. I could probably write a full blog about this one on its own, but I'll keep it short and sweet. The Colts have plenty of issues, more than the Patriots, actually. But they also have Peyton Manning, who has made a career of making up for Indy's deficiencies. Nothing seems to affect him, be it poor defense over the years or lack of proven receivers outside of Reggie Wayne this year. New England is hitting its stride, and Tom Brady seems to have forgotten about his bionic knee. It'll be as good as advertised, that's for sure, with it coming down to a late-game drive by Peyton to decide it one way or another.

Colts, 24-21

Baltimore at Cleveland: Ugh. I refuse to waste finger-typing calories on the Browns. Ray Lewis will destroy Brady Quinn and laugh about it. Ravens win.

Ravens, 30-12

Mini Pick

Ok, so I'm not prepared to summarize the entire week's slate of games, but I'll be able to before the end of the week. But since there's a game tomorrow, I'll make sure to pick that one here right quick...

Bears at 49ers: Kind of ironic that the first Thursday night game, which will give both teams only three days to prepare for each other, is a game between two teams that desperately need to win if they're to find a way into the playoffs. I knew I should have picked against the Bears last week even though they'd won the week before because they are probably the most inconsistent team in the league right now. Given how consistently inconsistent they are, I should pick them to win this game on the road against a team more physical than them. It only makes bizarro sense. I almost want to pick them just because of that. Alas, I actually do think the Niners will win. They need it too much and I just can't believe that Mike Singletary won't have his team ready, despite the impossibly short week.

49ers, 27-21


By the way...I went 8-5 last week. I got some bad beats, but on a few (like the Colts) I was almost perfect. Here's to hoping I do better this week!

S.O.S.

For many student athletes, the playoffs are the one of the most fun times of their lives.

For me, however, it just means extra work.

Help!

Answer Me This

I've heard it said, by people who would know better than me, that Allen Iverson -- all 6-foot, 165 lbs. of him -- is one of the ultimate competitors in the NBA.

For 12 seasons, he has put his body on the line against players taller and wider than himself. Towards the end of last season, after he'd been traded to his third team in three years, the daily beatings took their toll and his back began to act up.

Things aren't as easy when you're playing with teammates who were born in a different decade than you. The paint seems to close up a little quicker when those defenders grew up watching you star at Georgetown or cross up MJ as a rookie.

When you're in your mid-30s in the NBA and were playing with a style predicated on quickness and toughness, things are bound to catch up with you. Kobe Bryant -- who was never the highest leaper or quickest player in the NBA, just the most lethal -- has already realized this, even at age 31, and has begun to make changes to his game. He spent time with center Hakeem Olajuwon during the offseason to help develop his post-up game. He knew that in this league, only the proactive survive.

Iverson seems shocked to be forced to react to his current reality: he's no longer viable as a starter. He may be one of the most competitive players of this era, but when age is your opponent, it's not a matter of winning or losing. It's a matter of minimizing your losses.

He has gone on record as saying he'll never come off the bench. He'd rather retire than be a long-term reserve. After a long offseason, in which many teams were interested in Iverson -- just not enough to sign him for the money for which he was asking -- Allen signed with the Memphis Grizzlies for a one-year deal. Presumably, it would give them a year of bolstered attendance and him a chance to plug in the respirator to his ailing career.

Instead, it may be the end.

The Grizzlies never guaranteed him a starting spot and, sure enough, he started the season on the bench after getting injured during the preseason. Now he's requested to take a leave of absence from the team for "personal reasons." Who knows what's behind those personal reasons. It could be something benign. It could have nothing to do with his immense disappointment in the fact that he's stuck coming off the bench on a team with one win.

For his sake, I hope it has nothing to do with that. But if it is about that, then we may have seen one of the most shocking moments of the season:

The day one of the most competitive men in the NBA quit.

The New Neighborhood

This is the street on which I'll be living, starting November 30.

Northside.
About a 10-15 minute walk from Wrigley.
Thank you, Lord.

I Pick'em

I'm hoping to parlay my accuracy with my survivor picks to every NFL game. I'll keep track during the rest of the season, so we can see just how good (or bad) I am. I'll try to keep these short since there are so many. Alright, there we go:

Redskins at Falcons: Since this is my survivor pick, I'm going to stay with Atlanta. I just don't trust Washington and I don't think any person who isn't a sadist could be a Redskins fan right now. They just...I can't even put into words the frustration that comes with thinking about the Skins. They're talented, but they have zero cohesion. Atlanta is too good to let this team beat them.

Falcons, 35-17

Cardinals at Bears: Living in Chicago, I almost feel compelled to say Bears without even thinking about it. Deeper inspection tells a similar story. The Bears, who are as consistent week to week as a sun dial on a cloudy day, always play better at home. I'm going to give this one to Chicago against the Boldin-less Cards.

Bears, 28-24

Ravens at Bengals: The first matchup this season featured the Bengals winning in thrilling fashion. I don't think this one is as exciting. Baltimore is always tougher the second time around, regardless of where it is. Ray Lewis may not be the player he once was, but he's still good enough to rise to the occassion when his team needs it. Here's saying the Ravens get that win they need to stay in wild-card contention.

Ravens, 21-10

Texans at Colts: This is an interesting little game. If the Texans are ever going to quit being an 8-8 team and finally reach the playoffs, they'll have to start winning games like this, against Indianapolis on the road. Meanwhile the Colts look to stay perfect and do so without Bob Sanders. It's not as easy to pick as you might think. Indy is only getting 4.5 by the linemakers and you automatically get 3 for being at home. I agree.

Colts, 21-17

Dolphins at Patriots: The Pats still remember how Miami ran all over them last year. Belichick doesn't forget; robots are funny like that. I think they'll have a little something cooked up for Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams and that Wildcat offense. New England is beginning to hit its stride at the perfect time with the Colts coming up next week.

Patriots, 31-19

Packers at Buccaneers: Everything points to Green Bay winning this game. It's rookie QB Josh Freeman's first start as a pro, Tampa is just awful this year and the Packers will look to bounce back after the bitter taste of losing to Brett Favre last week. But I just have a feeing...playing at home...in those disgusting creamsicle jerseys...that the Bucs find a way to pull off the upset.

Bucs, 17-14

Chiefs at Jaguars: Ugh...I don't like this game. The only thing worse than having to pick this game is having to watch it. I hope I don't have to. It's probably God's grace that keeps this game blacked out in Jacksonville. Spare them the horror. Let's move on...

Jaguars, 19-10

Lions at Seahawks: The only thing going for the Seahawks at this point is that Matt Hasselbeck isn't hurt right now and that they're playing at home. Since I have Calvin Johnson, I'm going to pick him to get two TDs, especially against that poooooor Seattle pass defense. Alas, it won't be enough.

Seahawks, 21-14

Panthers at Saints: Just when you think they're done, Carolina keeps on kicking. They just...wont...die! Oh, but they will against New Orleans, which has one of the only true homefield advantages left in the NFL. I've never been, and I sure hope to go some day, but I've heard the Superdome is loud, especially when full. Jake Delhomme can only be successful in quiet places when the opposition only has eight guys on the field, none of which are DBs. Saints win going away.

Saints, 34-13

Chargers at Giants: Earlier, Tom Coughlin said this week this game would be a "one-game season." They have to win this week to keep pace in the playoff race. This is a team built for the postseason, not being the third-best in its division. If New York has any moxie left from its Super Bowl team, it'll get the win. San Diego is just as in need of a win, but I don't think it'll matter.

Giants 24-20

Titans at 49ers: Let me just say that I love Mike Singletary. He's very close to reaching the list of "Men I try to model my life after." The only people on that list right now are Tony Dungy, Derek Fisher and my mentor. He's a man of conviction and I believe will be a great coach in this league. I think he gets the Niners get past their recent issues and the Titans, despite Vince Young not wanting to die anymore.

49ers, 24-21

Cowboys at Eagles: This will probably be the best game of this week. I'm truly excited, and not just because I have Donovan McNabb on my fantasy team. The scoring should be plentiful, the excitement should be high and the drama should be right up there with the best games of this year. The Cowboys are back playing well, but there's just something about these Eagles. I have them going to the Super Bowl this year. They need to win these kinds of games for that to happen.

Eagles, 35-31

Steelers at Broncos: I remain unconvinced about Denver and last week's loss to the Ravens only pushed me further to thinking they're a sham. Pittsburgh is always good in those games they have to have and I don't think this will be any different. They will harass and confuse Kyle Orton and Ben Roethlisberger will do more than he needs to to get the road win.

Steelers, 24-14

Proximity

It could have been so different.

I was so close.

...

So close.

I'm a Survivor

At work, we've got a little survivor pool for the football season. For
anyone who doesn't know how it works, basically, every person who
entered the pool at the beginning of the season picks a team to win
that week. If their team loses, they're out. If they win, they live to
pick another week, but can never use that team again.

I'd like to think I'm pretty knowledgable when it comes to the NFL
(and just football in general) so picking has been pretty easy for
me...so much so that I'm going to start picking games on here every
week. I'm not sure which day between tomorrow and Saturday, I'll
figure it out soon.

As far as the one at work is concerned, I'm still very much alive with
plenty of good teams from which I can still choose. It's fun, it's
(becoming more) challenging and, well, let's just say I hope I win.

I like my chances.

No Excuses

I've been grossly negligent.

It's been about a week since I've posted and, while there are plenty of reasons for that absence, the could also probably be seen in some way as excuses. I used to make some for myself, but I'm trying to get away from that, take ownership of the reasons why things are the way they are and then correct that symptom.

So...no excuses. I'll try to be better, no matter how long that means I've got to stay up or write. I committed to this, so I've got to see it through. I've also got to make these more substantive....I realize sometimes I just don't talk about much of anything. I'll correct that one as well.

That said, here are some thoughts from today:

• I kind of want to see that James Cameron movie, Avatar.
• I'm totally excited to be moving into the city. More on that later.
• As much as I love it, I'm glad baseball is over. Once the Dodgers lost, I lost all focus there.
• Totally thankful Holly is OK.
• When is Pau Gasol coming back? Ugh.

Thanks to my (not so new) job, I've made some friends, one of which happens to be Web designer, so be on the look out for seanmoses.com. It should be coming some time in the near future. Well, at least the future. haha.

Short But Sweet

Ok, I'm not going to get into the specifics of this quite yet. I'll do it tomorrow, but there are some crazy things going on in the world of sports these days. Actually, I'll do it Wednesday; tomorrow's a special Lakers day!

NFL coaches losing their teams.
The most powerful country in the world losing an Olympic bid.
The Kings are actually good in hockey! (wohoo!)
And, well, the Yanks are back in the World Series...gag me now.

Vapid

I really can't think of a thing.

I could talk about how today I booked my flight home for Christmas and how excited I am to see my friends and family because it's been five months since I've seen them and will have been seven by then. I've missed them all.

I could talk about how I found a place to live in the city and that it might be small, but it seems just right for right now.

I could talk about the pitfalls of a long-distance relationship and how hard it is when you can't see the person you want to because you don't make enough at the moment for the airfare...how even the most patient people can lose it at times.

I could talk about how, for whatever reason, I'm having a hard time getting over my hesitance to get back into church and how my knowledge that I need to somehow doesn't correspond with action.

I could talk about plenty of things, obviously. But the ability to be creative with those things, at least right now, isn't happening. Just facts.

On To The Next One

Fresh off the disappointment of something I choose not to mention, I've decided the best way to get over the bad feelings that have been left (for the second straight year) is to simply move on to the next thing on the list.

That's right, the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers begin their season in a few short days! I'd like to thank the Dodgers for allowing me to focus all my energy on them because they are my No. 1 sports team. Period. The end.

I was born just about a block away from what was then the Great Western Forum, then lived about 2 blocks away for the first few years of my life. I was hard-wired with purle and gold data. It's just part of who I am.

The one bad thing that I'll acknowledge is that sometimes I get into it a little too much. But any years I take off my life from feeing the tension are well worth it to celebrate title after title after title after title.

It's like eating a nice steak. Sometimes, even though you know it might clog the arteries, the taste is just too good to turn down. I can't wait to sink my teeth into this season.

Oh Dodgers...

Why must you hurt me so?

The First Casualty

I've never had the most supple of skin. It gets dry about as fast as a water hole in the African savannah. But this, what's happening now, is ridiculous.

As you can see down below this post, I made a comment about how I'm not really ready for the winter yet. Let me be clear: November - February snow I'm ok with. I'm expecting that. I know where I live. October snow though? Nope, no thanks. Veto.

As it's been getting colder, I've noticed my skin has just not liked it very much. Already supa-dry, this doesn't usually happen until really late in the game.

Elbow's all itchy.
Face doesn't want to stay moisturized.
Lotion me up! I'm in need.

Lasers!

I just can't get enough of it...ugh, I can't wait for this CD!

An excerpt

My eyelids burned even before I opened them. The sunlight pierced through as I squinted them open. I didn't want to wake up. I knew nothing had changed from the night before, when I'd spent to much time thinking about the way things should have been. I was tired of thinking about it, tired of trying without getting any results for my efforts, tired of my laboring without any fruit sprouting. I'd felt defeat before, but never like this...and every time I staggered to my feet, something else would take my breath. Like trying to stay upright on a floor full of ball bearings, I awoke uneasy, hesitant and unwilling to move.

I turned my head to look at the clock, the alarm of which had been going off for some 10 minutes before my brain decided to acknowledge it and wake me up. I stared at the colon until the numbers blurred and lay there motionless. After a few minutes, I pulled the dirty blanket off me, sat up for a second and walked to the bathroom to shower. Whether I liked it or not, it was time for another day.

Fall

Aaah...

Cold Snap

It looms over my head, like some dissonant, ominous music in a horror film. I know I'm OK now, but in the future? Hmm...

When I moved to the Midwest, I knew at some point there would be something I've never experienced for any long period of time. You know, bitter, numbing cold. I thought about it, and wasn't too afraid of it, but now that it's almost here, I'm not so sure what's to come.

People keep just assuming it's going to be some tragic experience for me, the Cali kid, but I'm not sure. I mean, it's just a little cold...and snow...and ice...and snow...and cold...and...ummm...what else?

So yea, as I make my way through this winter, I ask for any handy tips or anything that might help me deal with the cold weather and driving in it. And not losing any appendages in it. I like my appendages. They suit me just fine.

Friends

I'm the kind of guy that likes to be inclusive. I'll intentionally gravitate toward those who are less fortunate or something. I don't like the idea of people feeling like outcasts.

So, when one of my best friends Ryan started dating the woman who eventually became his wife, the last thing I wanted her to feel like was the fourth wheel to our group of friends. We have a very strong friendship that has left others feeling ostracized at times. I knew how much he liked her and I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't hang out with us.

In those efforts, I found out that she's a pretty cool person. Not only that, but she cares about some pretty cool things, like human rights and non-violent resistance and, you know, treating people like equals.

Anyway, her blog is pretty cool and I value her friendship so I just thought I'd say so.

My Heartbeat

To say I love music would be some sort of travesty of an understatement.

There's something about hearing the perfect song for your mood that just can't be put into words. Melody and metaphor combining into some divine amalgam that lifts your soul to another plane. If sunsets are one of the greatest examples that the Lord exists -- and I believe they are -- then music is one of the greatest examples that He creates amazing things through us. The blessing of talent manifests itself in many ways and for those who make music, I am very thankful.

It is my life metronome, my heartbeat.

Here's just one of the thousands of examples I could think of that moves me like no other:

Gustav Holst, Jupiter from The Planets

I have learned in my 27-and-however-many-tenths I've lived in my life that no matter how strong my will, if am mindful of His will, His always wins out.

No doubt it took me a while to figure that out -- I'm sorta stubborn -- but one I did, I was liberated.

That's why, in the midst of any uncertainty, I know His will will win out and it will wind up better than I could ever imagine.

Praise be to Him.

Tiny Picture...

But a big win! Go Blue!

Narcissism Incarnate

Tonight, the man, the myth, the legend, Brett Favre is playing against his old team, the Green Bay Packers.

Now I'm going to just assume that you all know the story of Mr. Favre -- at least the most recent story of him, anyway -- so I won't get into all that. I just wanted to talk, for a moment, about what it is that makes a man do what Favre did to three professional football teams for three consecutive summers. I'd like, for a bit, to talk about what it is inside of a very select few people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't appear to consider how it affects those around them.

It is the case of the supreme narcissist.

It is the case of a man, who has enjoyed immense success in his younger days and therefore believes in his mind that he can do anything, no matter how old.

It's the case that allows Brett Favre to waffle back and forth during the past three summers while the teams for which he's played are forced to sit back and wait for his decision. First, it happened with the Packers...and they decided it was time for him to go because he'd waffled a little the two previous years and they were sick of it.

So, instead of retiring with dignity as a Packers legend, he was traded to the New York Jets, where he splashed onto the scene with plenty of big wins. Eventually, though, his age caught up with him and he tore his bicep. He tried to play through it and ruined the Jets' playoff chances, as they lost the final four games of the season.

This year, he decided to play for the Vikings...after deciding he would stay retired...after deciding he might want to keep playing...after deciding he would stay retired. I have no problem with him wanting to play or thinking he's still got it. My problem with the absolute arrogance of a man who thinks he can dangle multi-million dollar companies based upon his whims. No player is bigger than the sport, but time and time (and time) again, Favre has proven that he'll be damned if he isn't going to try.

People lost their jobs because of him and his waffling ways. He remains indifferent. Earlier this year in an interview for one of the Sunday pre-game shows, he said, "Well, it's my life, so I don't really care what people's opinion is of it."

Well, Brett, when someone gets cut because you decided at the last possible moment that you wanted to play this season despite the fact that you didn't train at all during the offseason, then maybe you should care.

Because, whether he likes it or not, his actions affect others and until realizes that, he'll continue to be categorized as narcissism incarnate.

Haves and Have Nots

Let me preface this blog by stating that I definitely know I'm a blessed man. I am loved. I have life, a job and a roof over my head. I know how God has blessed me. I'm conscious of it.



I don't have much.

I live in a 97-year-old house with windows painted shut and a shower head that, before it was recently fixed, would pop off at a moment's notice while I cleaned myself.

I do not have enough money to travel to see my family nor my girlfriend, who lives in The District and would like to see me. Because of it, it's left me feeling like I perpetually come up short -- not necessarily the feeling you want to have in a burgeoning relationship.


But I do have a girlfriend who loves me and is willing to travel many miles just to see me, even though she already spends many days a month traveling. Maybe she's just dating me for the miles. ;o)

She is willing to come see me because she knows that, right now, I can't come see her.

And I thank her for that. I appreciate her for that. I am thankful because of that.

Put Up or Shut Up

For a writer, words are our voice. More than merely the things we write, they are what we use to express our dreams, fears and hopes.

As much as they're an outlet, they can also be a trapping, for me especially. I tend to get lost in my words and sometimes use them as an alternative to acting.

It's time for that to change. My actions must speak louder than my words.

And that's all I have to say about that.

The Block Is Hot

Recently, a teenager was beaten to death by a swarm of delinquents in Chicago, the area in which I currently live.

He was an honor student.

A video of the beating, in which the 15-year-old was punched repeatedly, kicked mercilously one he hit the ground, then hit with a 2x4 over hit back and head, has been making the rounds on the news channels. Jesse Jackson has arrived. Barack has voiced his opinion. I have not seen the video as a whole, just bits and pieces.

I can't stomach it.
I'm too horrified.

The thought that not one person in this mass of at least 50 teenage boys didn't come to his aid is what troubles me most...aside from the reality that he did nothing to provoke them.

How does NO ONE help?
How does NO ONE intervene?
Where is the conscience of today's youth?

And why is it more concerned with tight jeans and stupid dance moves than whether or not one of it's own is beaten in the street like some unwanted dog?

I am confused and dismayed for our future.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This is, to be sure, the best time of the year for a sports fan. Oh joy, let me count the ways:

1. Football season is in full swing.
2. Both NHL and NBA are getting started this week, with the NHL starting its season and NBA starting training camp.
3. After what always seems to feel like a looong season, baseball starts winding down, which means playoffs, which for m personally means Dodgers playoffs! And they will not choke win it all this year!

It's just the best and I can't wait to live in the city and go to a corner pub and watch sportivo. Exciting spelled in a six-letter word.

The Future

No matter what it may hold, the Lord is still sovereign in my life.

His will be done.

Sent from my iPhone

The First Step

My goal, for both short-and long-term, is to be the best possible Christian I can be.

The first step towards that will be for me to admit that I have slipped in this area. Over the last few years, I have slowly backslid into someone with whom I'm displeased.

I have let my church attendance slide.
My relationship with Him isn't what it should be.

Time to improve.

And then it struck me

Just got done reading an article on one of my favorite baseball players, Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. He's an immensely talented young man, who can become one of of the best players ever if everything breaks the right way. He's often overlooked (by fans out of the LA area), used to be undervalued (by fans in the LA area) and ready is to explode onto the scene.

As I read, I got stuck on three sentences down at the bottom of Eric Neel's wonderful work.

Does he embrace the responsibility that comes with his gifts?
Is he honest with himself about those times when he sells them short?
How badly does he want this?

I thought about myself.



Let's get it.

Sunset

Eyes affixed to the
twinkling lights as they
shined brightly in the night,
I thought
about how even the brightest star
becomes quasar.

Even the biggest suns lose their fire.

Blank

I'm not one to whine about my problems. Usually the only people who know about them are my closest friends.

I internalize things more often than some, probably not as much as others. Sometimes when it all bubbles up, it makes for a rough day.

Or afternoon.
Or few hours.


God is faithful.

My weekend

In a picture...

Riding the rails

Going to spend the weekend in the city with the girlfriend. Shoulbbeca
fun one!

John Eldredge

I'll get into this a little deeper another time, but John Eldredge is just one of the most amazing authors I've ever read. I thank God for Jessica McAleer, who gave me my first of his books. She's awesome, John's awesome and so is He.

A Bit of a Transition

So just to let anyone who reads this know, there's going to be a bit of a transition period here in The Chronicles.

In an effort to be a little more consistent, I'm going to try to slide the blog into a more sports-specific medium, since it's what I know best. I'll still have some other things in there, but I've gotta get some sort of consistent talking points.

Stay tuned...


In other news...Monday just sucked. I mean, honestly, the phones never stopped, the work kept coming...it was just...Monday.

thoughts from the weekend

1. Serena Williams is effing crazy! I now officially feel sorry for Common. Holy cow, buddy, you've got your hands full.

2. Football with friends is always more fun than not.

3. You can never underestimate the value of the Lord working in others towards you. It really is amazing sometimes.

Crazy Weekend

Football, football, FOOTBALL!

Crazy good weekend of football games.

I'm just excited. Carry on.

Giving Thanks

To see C. Vivian Stringer being inducted into the Nasmith Basketball Hall of Fame, is to be amazed.

Her work ethic, her determination, her unwillingness to be bowed is something everyone, whether man or woman, can use as a model. But the thing that strikes me the most is her faith.

I won't get into all of the things she's been through, but it's definitely enough to where a normal person, an unfaithful person, probably would have cracked a long time ago. Through it all, she praised the Lord and leaned on Him for strength. Regardless of the difficulty, she found her strength in Him.

A man is only so strong...it's part of our physical limitations. But relying on He who is omnipotent will fortify your soul.

Praise be to Him.

Get on the Good Foot

I'm not sure why I took my unemployment as hard as I did.

Given the arid climate of today's economy, millions of others have come up just as dry as me when looking for work. Whatever the reason, though, I did take it hard.

However, the time has come for me to snap out of it. Too many things to do...gotta get moving.

resisting temptation

I saw her gazing at me, calling me to her like a siren with her come-hither whispers.

But I resisted. I just couldn't do it.

Maybe next time, Planet Earth, maybe next time.




P.S. I know I've missed a couple days. I'll double-up here soon and make up for it. Promise.

Apologies

To anyone reading this blog, I'm sorry I've slacked the last couple of
days.

I will make it up, promise.

I must be better.

Always A Reason

Thank God for showing me that He takes me put of certain situations
for good reason.

Praise be to Him.

Stress

So, according to my girlfriend, who went on WebMD just to figure out what was wrong with me, it appears I've got some sort of stress-related sickness right now...either tension headaches or something else. I lean towards the flu, but whatever.

I do recognize the need to sleep more and get more rest. Perhaps, dare I say it, a nap?

Who knows, but something's gotta change.

One More Game

Sometimes I wish I had one more season of football to play. Tonight, while walking to my truck, I could just feel it...football is in the air. I've never really missed playing so much as I do right now with the college season approaching. Well, here, really.

I've always done things to stay close to sports.
Pretty sure the next thing will involve it too.

Dreamy

So much on my mind...

Very rarely do I remember my dreams, but the ones I do almost always
come true.

No clue what's to come given the last week.

Thank You

Lord, thank You for stillness and patience and calmness of heart.

I pray that I remain faithful and that the sheep can be tended to and
fed.

Crap, I almost forgot

This "blogging every day" thing is going to be tough. But keeping my commitment is necessary. I need to be better in many areas, including being a better Christian, but more on that in another blog.

This is supposed to be the busiest week of the year at my company, especially these next two days. I really hope it's not so, but something tells me, I'm in for a loooong couple of days.

Day 18.

Brain Lock

If nothing else, here's to not forgetting to write today. There is nothing much more to say other than that.

My head hurts.

Let me just say

It felt good to see Michael Vick happy last night during the Eagles' preseason game.

Hopefully, the joy I saw on his face will continue and manifest itself in living a joyful life.

He made his mistakes, he paid his price.

Time to move on.

Blah

The more you learn, the more you realize you don't know.

Sent from my iPhone

An Excerpt

I slowly opened my eyes and looked out the agape double doors with the sheer drapes. I could see nothing but the twinkle of the moonlight on the waves as they crashed against the rocky shoreline.

I sat up, wondering what could have woken me up. I never wake up in the middle of the night without something actually waking me. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a sound sleeper, I can just get through the night. Moving to stand, I looked beyond the shore and walked closer to the drapes.

I looked back to the bed and couldn't see anything. The room remained engulfed in darkness until a light breeze blew one side of the drapes back against my leg. As it did, the moonlight flickered through the cavity and exposed her face. I was compelled to go back to bed.

One Day Away!

My fantasy football draft is only a day away and I couldn't be more excited for it. Time to smash and dash!

Competition in it's most vicarious form!

The Chubbiassance

About 3 years ago, I decided I was done being chubby. I worked HARD and lost 60 pounds in about 7 months. The change was dramatic, yes, but I made sure not to go too fast so that I wouldn't bounce back like a rubber band into the atmosphere.

I had no desire to boldly go where my waistline had never gone before.

For 2 years, I'd been able to keep it off without a problem. I would work out every day and was pleased with where I was, even if I felt like I could stand to lose a couple more pounds.

Last year was tough on me. As I dealt with being unemployed, I put a little back on. Not a lot, but enough that I noticed.

Then I moved to Chicago, where my gym isn't, and have slowly started collecting extra, like the bottom of a fast-moving stream. The sediment is being deposited I'm a few key (and familiar) areas.

Forget the Empire, the Chub has struck back.

Time for the re(re)-dedication.

No Pressure

Usually around my age in life for most people, if they aren't getting married and/or having babies, then it's their friends who are.

For a while I'd been able to avoid it, with only a handful of friends getting married, then last year one of my two best friends got hitched. Now this year, it seems as though everyone and their momma has been doing some sort of joining, be it in holy matrimony or of the X and Y chromosomes.

And yet, I feel no pressure. I know trusting the Lord's plan is always the right thing to do, it's always a winning gameplan.

Praise be to God. He is faithful.

No Mocking Me

I'm a pretty big fan of fantasy football. I wouldn't say I eat it and sleep it or something like that, but I definitely pay attention to what I'm doing and I always want to win. It's the competitor in me.

Since I enjoy my coworkers so much, and the almost all enjoy football, I figured it would be good to start a league with them. The draft is this Thursday night and to say I've been preparing a little bit would be like saying Adolf Hitler had a couple character flaws.

I've been looking at mock drafts, analyzing projections, thinking about strategies and doing my own mock drafts. So far, so good. There are a lot of smart guys, especially smart football guys. But I like my chances. I'll do some more mocking today.

I don't want to be cocky or anything, but like I said...I like my chances. haha

Day 9

I have nothing substantive to say.

I love my Dodgers. I wear the colors proudly. I can't wait till the playoffs.

How ironic would it be if they wind up playing the Angels in the World Series?

Ugh. At least there's television...

Nope, nothing substantive.




This might be a long 365.

Double Shot

I wonder what Plaxico Burress must be thinking right now.

Eighteen months ago, he was catching the touchdown pass that won the Super Bowl for the New York Giants. He was interviewed immediately after and said he felt like he was on top of the world just before he broke into tears. Today, he entered a plea that will, for all intents and purposes, end his career as a professional football player.

So how did we get here? How did someone who finally looked like he'd turned the corner from being a stuck-up prima donna devolve into a prisoner? I remember hearing analysts talk about him after he decided not to re-sign with the Pittsburgh Steelers (or after the Steelers decided they didn't want to re-sign him, depending on who you talk to). They said his career could go one of two ways, either an ascension to stardom or a fall from grace.

Turns out, both happened.

He was so good in Pittsburgh. You could just see he was ready to be something great after being drafted out of Michigan State in 2000. He got back-to-back 1,000-yard seasons in 2001 and 2002, the same year he set the Steelers' single-game receiving record with 253 yards. By the time he went to New York, he was known as a guy who was good, and could be great, but still hadn't taken "the step".

As the No. 1 receiver with the Giants, he eclipsed 1,000 receiving yards twice in the first three seasons and 988 in the other. In 2007, he fulfilled the promise others had seen in him. He played all 16 regular season games, catching 70 passes for 1,025 yards and a career-high 12 touchdowns as the Giants made the postseason for yet another season. Doing something that had never been done before, New York went on to win three straight road playoff games to reach the Super Bowl. In the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers, in what was the coldest-ever football game played, Plax (pictured above in that game) shined. He caught 11 passes for 151 yards and simply dominated the Packers' physical secondary. Then, against the previously unbeaten and heavily favored New England Patriots, Burress made the biggest catch of his life, even if it was only his second of the game.

Then last season happened...

I don't know if he got too full of himself or if catching that touchdown pass the season prior all of a sudden made him feel bullet-proof, but obviously the events in that night club proved just how mortal he is. After multiple incidents which kept him out of multiple games, Plaxico decided to take a gun into a club and accidentally shot himself in the leg. The subsequent legal troubles and coinciding New York state gun laws have lead to him pleading guilty to a lesser offense than what he'd originally been charged. The sentence will emprison him for two years. At 31, he won't even be eligible to play again until he's 33, not including any extra suspension time he'll face. No team in its right mind would take a chance on him. He's done. His sun has set.

I guess in cosmic terms, there was nothing special about him. He was just like any star.

He flamed out.

Can't Do It

I stay at work a little later than the rest of my co-workers so I can try to get a little extra done. Some have contended that I might be on the slippery slope towards being a workaholic, but that's another subject for another blog. For now, I'm content to stay late and pump out a few extra questionnaires or do one more data load or whatever I can to make myself useful.

Recently, as I was taking care of a couple of things, the cleaning staff came in. Now normally, there's a guy whose name I can't remember who comes in and we chat about the days events or whatever happens to be on the television screen. Lately, though, the cleaners have been a pair who are decidedly less talkative and definitely a little more suspicious.

Two nights ago, a lady and man came in and did their business and left. But then, about a half hour later, the lady returned and opened the door all sneakily. The second she saw my face, she backed out and closed the door. I just don't trust it. Can't do it.

It's definitely not a racial thing with me. I love all races. Well, except for the America's Cup. Just a little too much yachting if you ask me.

If I notice anything missing, I know the first person I'm fingering.

my eyes hurt

they are red, swollen and the lids feel heavy.

i almost forgot. then i didn't.

then i had to go somewhere with reception.


Day 6.


if i almost forget SIX days in, what does that say for my future?



ugh.

Dog Dayz of Summer

There's a place on Interstate 10 inside the Los Angeles city limits where it meets with the I-5 and becomes one freeway. Just before that point comes, though, the 10 winds and bends and contorts itself to get in a position where it can meet up with its busier counterpart.

It was in that place some 15 years ago that I saw one of the most horrible scenes I've ever seen. A stray golden retriever found it's way into the freeway bushes and was attempting to cross the crowded thoroughfare. It darted out in front of a truck and was missed, but the sedan behind it wound up rolling right over its midsection. My mother, who was driving at the time, swerved out of the way as it struggled to get to its feet. I kept watching, terrified as we passed and an RV approached the helpless dog.

I turned away.

I love animals. I had a dog for my entire childhood; we had to put her down just last year due to complications from her old age. Pepper was a good dog, I loved her dearly. I say these things because I don't want there to be any thought that I somehow hate animals or am unsympathetic in some way.

Could people please cut Michael Vick some slack?
I mean, really.

I believe that before getting into the polarizing issue that is Mike Vick, three intrinsic assumptions must be realized:

1. Human Life is More Valuable Than an Animal's: As cold as that may sound, it is and must remain true for the preservation of the species. Yes, animals have taken a special place in many people's hearts, but at the end of the day, a human is more important.

2. Michael Vick is a Human: Despite what some may say about the man now -- and despite his own contributions which have helped others form opinions to the contrary -- Vick is a human being.

3. All Humans Make Mistakes in Judgement: No matter how hard we may try, none of us is perfect. We are not God. We fall short, we make errors. We are flawed. No one is above making a mistake in judgement.

To see those three things, the argument could be that Michael is no human, so those rules don't apply. Nothing could be further from the truth. Regardless of the perceived severity of his acts, he is still a human being. If deadly acts against animals is the threshold for inhumanity, why are bullfighters so adored in Spain, cheered as they repeatedly and playfully stab a young bull to death? Why are circuses still allowed to continue, selling out from Los Angeles to Chicago the New England? Are those people somehow disqualified from humanity? It's all about perception.

When it was announced that Vick signed with the Eagles, the president of PETA wrote a scathing press release, going into great detail as to the things Michael had done to dogs. What I think they forgot was that Vick had already paid his legal debt to society. If the federal government can forgive him of his sins, why can't we?



Day 5.

are you ready?

Every year, the arrival of football season hits me like a kid who realizes it's the day before Christmas Eve.

Wait, you mean Santa's coming tomorrow night? Oh crap, I think I'm excited!

So yea, needless to say I'm binging on all these NFL preseason games. I love baseball, particularly the Dodgers, but every year, right around this time, I'm reminded just how much more I love football.

I may have a problem.

It's FOOOOOOOOTBALL SEASON!

Arachnids? No Phobia.

I hate spiders.

Let me be clear...I'm not afraid of them. I don't have some deep, dark idea that they're going to bite me and kill me or something. Simply, I just don't like them.

When I lived back home, they would be everywhere in my garage and spin webs on my truck. A few times I found them actually hanging off my window sill, just waiting to fall onto my shoulder. Too many times I found myself in a fight, searching for the guerrilla arachnids. I thought once I'd moved that I'd be done with the truck-loving bugs, but it turns out I was just getting started.

Day after day, I wake up to find silky strands on my side mirrors and in the bed of the truck. I went searching for one about a week ago and found one...although, it turns out it wasn't the one I was looking for, but an additional one that I wound up attacking with Febreze.

Still not sure if I actually killed that one.
He'll probably be back.
They always come back.

I awoke this morning to strands all over my passenger-side mirror. They extended all the way up to the top of my door and back to the back of the cabin. I took them down, but I have a feeling they'll be back up in the AM.

I win the battles, but I think they may be winning the war.

Pumping Irony

So...

Day 2. I haven't tapped out yet, so that's good. The last time I tried to blog more consistently, things didn't go well. Carnage ensued. I've always struggled with being consistent with this thing. If you look back through my archives, there's no rhyme or reason. I'll go three months of writing and then take four off. Maybe that's why I think this little "every day" experiment will be good for me. Maybe I'll be able to talk some things out and bring humor to others. Who knows.

One thing of which I'm sure is that it'll be good for me to have an outlet for my writing. Right now, the extent of it is contained in the emails I send to clients letting them know I finished loading their data. To be sure, this job is a blessing. It just doesn't allow me to write anymore. My girlfriend has been imploring me to write more, insisting that "you brain is a muscle and if you aren't working it out, then it won't be strong."

It's true. It's not like I don't know that, but it's always good to have someone encouraging you. And, since I've stopped writing, I've felt like I've slipped a little both in conversation and written word.

So yea...I hope this helps. I think it will. My muscles may have atrophied a bit, but I can get back into game shape.

really?

So, I saw Julie and Julia on Saturday. Yes, I was coerced, but that's not the point. The woman in the story, the Julie girl, decided to blog every day for a year. It kind of got me thinking...could I do that?

Who knows, but I'm willing (or naive enough) to give it a shot.

So...here we go. Here's to hoping I don't run out of steam after the first week.

Lord, help me.



Day 1

maturity

Even as a child, people always thought I was older than I actually was. There was usually somewhere between a 3-5 year maturity projection for me. Much of it probably had to do with the fact that I was bigger than any other kid in my class until middle school and even then, I was right up there with the bigger boys. I've always been told that emotionally, I seem older too; choosing to stay at home over going out to the club or partying or something.

Unfortunately, that supposed maturity hasn't really ever shown itself in my relationships. My experience in that area is limited at best, so things haven't always been easy for me. I've been more apt to keep my feelings to myself and assume things would always just eventually be better. I was more apt to secede and blow over than confront and discuss. Any discomfort was probably more evident in my face than anything I'd ever say.

And then there was someone with whom I had absolutely no problem bickering. In fact, it started as a lot of bickering, but after time, it became apparent that the things that seemed to be differences weren't really. Appreciation. Respect. Admiration. There is discourse, dialogue. I'm not afraid to speak up and defend my point of view, which isn't a problem for me in general, but in front of a pretty girl somehow exits stage left. Yet, somehow in front of those eyes, it's still no problem. Mature relationship? Who knew?

Who knows where the rabbit hole goes, but it might be fun finding out.

An Excerpt

I just stood there, leaning up against the row of washing machines parallel to the ones containing my dirty laundry. I tried to listen to music, but for whatever reason, my iPod refused to play. I was stuck; forced to listen to the constant whir of the machines while my eyes followed the rhythmic pattern of the clothes.

I just watched, eyes focused, still and intent. It reminded me of what seemed to be my life at the time. No matter how much movement there was, it was going nowhere.

Being Thankful

I thank God for my mentor.

It's during my darkest times that it seems like he's always there with the perfect thing to say without even knowing what's going on with me.

I sent him an email on Father's Day. He's probably the closest thing I've got. Once again, he found a way to turn it around and make me feel good.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to say I'm thankful for him. He didn't have to be the influence he has been in my life, but he chose to be. I can only hope I act on the same opportunity if it's presented to me.

behind the curtains

Hello all (2 of you).

I'm siting here in my empty apartment with a glass of cheap Caberney beside me trying out something new.

A friend of mine, the illustrious Miss Johnica Reed (who is a pretty good writer, btw), did enough cajoling to get me to try to start writing more consistently.

"When I mention you to people, I tell them you're a writer."

I certainly live like a writer, as my singular chair sitting in the middle of a blank apartment can attest. I live check to check and still feel the stressors of my childhood, which I believed a college diploma and steady job immediately out of school could at least stay if not prevent. I have a t.v. which only works with a trusty digital conversion box attached to it like an I.V. drip. One of the boxes I used to transport my stuff from one side of the country to another is my endtable while most of the rest sit in my breakfast nook, waiting for the joy of getting some fresh Midwest air. I guess I'm somewhat the same way.

So far, living here has been interesting. Not interesting haha or interesting weird, but interesting like a Sidney Pollock painting. Everything has been thrown at me all at once and I'm still trying to figure out what means what. Is that splash of green over in the corner supposed to spell my longterm happiness? What about the little dots in all those colors down at the bottom? Is that representing all the new friends I've made or, rather, the ones I left behind even as they voiced their displeasure that I was actually leaving?

No doubt, my life feels a bit like an unfinished mosaic right now and all the pieces look way more daunting to put together than just watch them as they are. The good thing, though, is that I'm confident in God's plan for my life. I know without that, I'd be lost. When I think back over the last 16 months of my life, I can't imagine where I'd be without a Fatherly influence. It'd be bad for business, without a doubt. He is faithful.

It is that which I lean upon that gives me comfort in these uncertain times. The future is a blank canvas, waiting for me to start painting...better yet, an art show I've yet to see, unsure of the beautiful work the Artist has done.

A few months in, it still feels like the curtains are drawn.
I can't wait for the unveiling.
Should be awesome.

Drats

So, I'd told myself that once I actually got a chance to write, that I'd make sure it was worth it. I'd planned to talk about how much has changed in these last three months since I've moved from suburban L.A. to suburban Chicago.

So, of course, once that moment arrives, allowing me to spew eloquence, to flow forth with nothing but text gold...I come up with nothing. Nada.

One thin I do have going for me is that work is starting to feel less and less foreign, which is good. I've always been a quick learner, but for whatever reason it's felt so sloooooow this time. I don't know, maybe I'm just expecting too much out of myself, not cutting myself any slack. All I know is that it feels good to be getting things down.

Trying To Outrun Bachelor Time

It seems my whole life these days have been full of new beginnings…new job, new apartment, new state, new friends, new joys, new frustrations and new independence. I guess it’s a fitting time for me to be transitioning into all these new things since my 27th birthday is now less than a week away.

It’s a crazy number, this 27. Once I met 26, the idea of the next one wasn’t too exciting for me. I used to sweat being in my mid-20s, but now that those days are, well, days away from being over, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some sort of intermediate numerology that would prevent me from sliding into the late category. Is there a price I can pay, some sort of bribe that would suffice?

Pretty sure the answer to that is no.
Ah, damnit.

So in the meantime, while I find out ways to deal with the fact that my hair is starting to thin just like I knew it would and how I found a white hair sticking straight out of my beard and how my body has begun a revolt against me working out every day when it had no problem with it just a few months ago, the clock keeps ticking.

Stupid time, it never wants to stop for anything…not even my neuroses.

Quickie

Ok, so I don't have much time, but an update is very very necessary. Here, in list form, is the update:

1. Got a job.
2. Moved to Chicagoland area, Aurora specifically.
3. The drive took 5 days. I trailed a pretty nasty storm the whole way and was able to hang out with some family and friends whom I haven't seen in way too long.
4. Truck held up very well and got through everything like a champ.
5. Making new friends while missing old ones.

To You

Lately, I've been pretty emotionally neutral. Actually, scratch that; I've been leaning jaded. I read about people being in love or see people trying to flirt with each other or hear a "heartwarming" moment on t.v. and remain unaffected. If anything, I smirk and think about how hollow those words probably are. You gotta be kidding me.

It's crazy, I know, because I always used to be so into these kinds of things...I was that guy who loved the sappiness, the expressing myself, the "putting myself out there." Now, after a year of hardness and tumult, I try to think about some things that I used to love and get zero emotional response. I feel nothing...until I think about you.

From the day we met, to every single time you cross my mind, a surge of nerves that I've long since stopped trying to control runs through me. Looking into those wonderous jewels of yours that we humans have named eyes, I forget my name and anything else that could have mattered that day. My tongue goes limp. Jaded is the antonym. You affect me in ways I can't quantify.

Months ago, after nights of you running through my mind more than Bernard Lagat, I made a promise to God that if we ever wound up in the same area for any kind of extended period of time, I wouldn't miss my opportunity again. I'm leaving it in His hands. That's always been my best mode of getting things done.

I won't push. I've brought it up before, so we both know long distance really isn't a viable option, though part of me now regrets having made that a rule of mine. My mentor once told me that He answers prayers in providing opportunity. If I get another, I'm taking advantage.

Nervous? Me? Never!

So, this whole "changing-very-large-parts-of-your-life-by-moving-across-the-country" thing is very involved and would not be possible if not for some amazingly generous people. I'll talk more about this later, I'm sure, along with telling the stories of some of the specific things that have been going on. But for now, I'll just get the important stuff out of the way: I have an apartment that seems pretty stinking nice, even if it is "cozy;" I now have a specific leave date (Wednesday, March 11) and that is because...I bought my tickets today!

Since I got the job, it hasn't really felt real to me that I'm leaving relatively soon. I wondered aloud why that was and thought to myself that it probably wouldn't hit me until I actually set a date and got the tickets to reflect my actual moving. And, boy howdy, was I right because as I looked through the Chicago Transit Authority Web site, a heat ran through me like I only experience before I'm to speak publicly.

But this is how it always is for me and new places...I get excited, then nervous, then really nervous and then, once I get there, I'm fine. It was like that when I went to Kansas City on my own, then again in Denver, although not quite as bad. Funny thing is, when I went to Chicago the first time, I didn't get nervous once. Today? A large bit of anxious energy. Hopefully it goes away. I doubt it, though. After thinking about it for days, I'm actually going to have to start packing soon. Still not sure if I'm taking my desk or not. I think it's gonna have to be a game-time decision.

Turning The Page

I can still remember everything that happened that day.

After months of feeling overworked and underappreciated and having that intensify exponentially on a daily basis for the last two weeks, I needed to get away. So I decided on Monday to visit a friend of mine the next day to take advantage of my second day off that week and also as a good excuse to take a long drive where I could be alone with my thoughts. Cell phone off.

I left for Santa Barbara, some 2.5 hours away from my home, met up with Alicia for some California Pizza Kitchen and talking about life. Everything seemed so stagnant on March 2, 2008. The job I thought was perfect for me went to someone else some time around when the crystal ball dropped and I was ill-equipped to deal with how not getting it would affect me. It's ironic looking back on things and remembering how badly I felt. I had no clue what was to come.

Following lunch, I went to the pier and just walked around with my iPod blaring, not making eye contact with many people. I found a bench on the side of a novelty store and sat down, making sure not to go near all the bird droppings. As I watched two seagulls fight over a fairly large piece of pretzel, a man parked his boat and climbed up the side of one of the beams. I sat there for another hour, just listening to music, thinking about the future of which I knew little and wishing the tension in my chest would vanish.

That night before I went to sleep, I prayed that I didn't feel that way anymore.
The next day, I awoke to a phone call.

Hey Sean, it's Grace.
Hey Grace, how ya doin?
I'm...OK. We need you to come in as soon as possible.

At that moment, I knew what was up. The newspaper chain had been laying people off left and right, but it was at some of our sister papers. Apparently the wave had hit us, sweeping me away with the undercurrent.

With that (and three weeks' severance pay) I was a member of the jobless...before that became a sign of the times. It'd be difficult to find another job, sure -- especially in the newpaper business -- but I felt relieved to not be working where I had been. For months my spidey senses had been twitching with every open job posting. Well after operating with a nice, comfy safety net, now I'd have to tightrope across the chasm with nothing but my resume and cover letter with which to balance.

Applications went out again and again and again and again and again and again and the lack of early success like I'd predicted started getting to me. I pressed on and eventually came upon what looked like a great possibility (not to mention the view). But at the end of the day, I chose my conscience over employment. I just couldn't do it. I'd be lying if I said there were times since then -- it was late May, after all, that this happened -- that I didn't second-guess my decision, but I just couldn't do it. I just didn't feel like giving up my soul for the riches of the world. Unfortunately for me, things got a little tougher after that and I voiced the difficulties quite a few different times.

That last one, which simply states, "Let this be the one," wound up being prophetic. Turns out, it was the one. I got a call today offering me a job. I accepted without hesitation, fully embracing all that it means for my future: a new zip code, a new county, a new state, a new time zone.

As one chapter ends, nearly a full year after it began, so starts a new one.

Praise be to God.

I'd Just Like To Say

How stinking right was I about the Super Bowl!?

FINALLY!

Vindication feels good, it really does.

I'd just like to thank Ben Roethlisberger for scrambling like I thought he would and Santonio Holmes for coming up clutch (four different times!) and giving the Steelers the win.

That is all, thank you.

Feeling Super

While I don't particularly like being wrong very much, if I do make a mistake, I'll make sure to say that I've done so. It's something I started a few years back, being more honest about who I am and being able to acknowledge when I'm wrong.



That said, these playoffs obviously haven't been too good for me. Not only did the Giants get beaten in their first game, but the Cardinals have continuously tried to turn my picks into a weekly crapshoot.



Atlanta? Gone.

Carolina? Obliterated.

Philly? Done.



So now comes my dilemma. How do I pick against Arizona, the truest of underdog, the one which has proven me wrong for the last month? How do I pick against Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Bouldin? It seems like everything is going their way right now, just as it did last year for the Giants, who faced a far tougher test in the Super Bowl in the undefeated, record-breaking (scum of the Earth) Patriots. These are just the Steelers.



Ho hum.



But the problem with this Steelers team, the reason I think far too many people think the Cards are going to win, is because they have consistently done whatever it took to win games. Shannon Sharpe said it best during the post-game show following Pittsburgh's controversial win over the Ravens toward the end of the season:



Pittsburgh and Ben Roethlisberger always look horrible; they never look like they're going to win the game...until they HAVE to. Roethlisberger doesn't make the good pass until he HAS to, the critical third-down conversion. Any time they have a play he HAS to make, he always makes it. It shows you just who he is.



I agree.



I think there will be at least three different times when the Steelers will be facing a third-and-long situation where they need to continue a drive, either because they're trailing by less than a touchdown or because they need to keep the clock moving to keep the ball out of Warner's hands. In those situations, Roethlisberger will probably have to evade a strong rush and keep the play alive, which is his specialty. I think he'll find Hines Ward or Santonio Holmes or Heath Miller and keep Pittsburgh alive. The Steelers defense is one of the best ever. They'll have more than enough schemes for Mr. Warner, believe you me.



Steelers 24, Cardinals 10



Of course, now that I've said this, the Cardinals will probably prove me wrong.

Battling

Today something happened that was so insignificant in the grand scheme that there's no way I should have let it get to me.

So, of course it did.

I've got to do better. Here's to doing better!

I want an omelette.

The Gifts You Don't See Coming

Sometimes I just have to sit back and think about how God impacts us far beyond our realization.

For instance, had I obtained Chicago employment already, I would have missed out on the chance to celebrate the birthday of my mother and grandmother, which share the same birthday. My mom was born on my grandma's 20th birthday. We celebrated this weekend.

As I sat in Lucille's watching the two most pivotal people in my life, I couldn't help but thank Him and appreciate the time I'd been given. It was a surprise for the both of them and they thanked me for planning it all out.

It was their gift, but I think I may have benefited the most.

1.20.09

Pride.
Happiness.
Numbness.

Continued state of disbelief.

In one day, something changed.
Things seem infinitely more possible now.
I can tell my future kids to work harder because he did and look where he got.
I can look at him now and fully know I can do it.
The doubt is gone.
Praise God.

A Sweet Sound

Lately I've taken to listening to jazz. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I've been against it before or don't have the CDs of various artists. Truth is, I've been a fan for quite some time, just not enough to actively seek out John Coltrane or Louis Armstrong or what have you. I think part of me thought it best served those in another age bracket, preferably the 35-55+ range, not 18-25.

I'm not sure if it's a sign of me growing older or just a reaction to my current status, a way to cope without having to admit how much this whole thing is getting to me. Who knows...One thing of which I'm sure is I'm quickly gaining an even greater appreciation for it.

One of the reasons jazz carries such appeal for me is the way anything can be acceptable.
Sharp on a note?
That's OK.
Missed key stroke on the piano or accidental squeak of the sax?
It's just the nature of the beast. Keep playing and it will all round itself out.

Errors are never that, they're simply variations of the way it was meant to be, interpretations of the original creation. If only we each took the same approach to life, not worrying about what someone might think if we make a mistake and (God forbid!) come off looking something close to human.
Kick a crack in the sidewalk and stumble?
That's OK.
Find out you were wrong about something you thought to be true?
It's just the nature of the beast. Keep talking and learning and everything will figure itself out.

So often in life we wonder what others are thinking, wonder if we're being accepted in the eyes of a club or specific social group or what have you. If we all just decided to live our lives as best we could and not worry about what anyone but God thinks, we'll all be better served in the process.

One way we can do that is to take another lesson from jazz and improvise. It's a strength in the art form and should be utilized more in the real world. Sure, we plan our lives will go a certain way. We'll work our way up through the entry-level job and pay our dues, then move on to the next employer with the higher pay rate, work our way through that company, possibly get married and start a family by 30 or 35, then keep progressing up through the ranks to get to that salary we think will make everything right with the world.

That isn't how God moves and it sure isn't how life works.

Life comes in the glitches. It's not only about what happens, but how we respond to what has happened. Life is about the subsequent and continuous forks in the road that various crises impart into our lives while we're busy planning our future. It's the improvisations that make life worth living, that bring unexpected joy or heartache to our lives. I, for one, would hate to live a life exclusively pragmatic. I need to improvise.

Sure, we make mistakes, those are bound to happen.
We can either let it ruin the song or we can keep on playing.
The choice is ours.

As Promised...

My picks! (cue single trumpet making the ta-dah sound.)

Ok, so they're a little late, but technically they're still before the games have started, so I'm going to give them...and THIS time they'll be better (I hope).

NFC Championship Game
Eagles at Cardinals: Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought the Cardinals would have done what they did to the Panthers. I mean, it wasn't even close. Carolina scored the first touchdown of the game, then gave up 30 straight. I mean, that just isn't good math. Arizona was aggressive throughout, even despite being without one of its best receivers, Anquan Bouldin. It dominated the line of scrimmage with what most people thought was an inferior offensive line and it got Edge involved early once again. I can't tell if Wisenhunt is a genius for basically resting Edgerrin the entire season or if he's just becoming a better coach, using all the weapons he's been given a little better than he had been. Either way, the Cards (especially Kurt Warner) will be smelling the Super Bowl. Unfortunately for them, it seems like the Eagles have some special this year, almost exactly like the Giants did last year. The funny thing is that even if Philly wins the Super Bowl, I doubt they'll bring McNabb back. But that's another discussion for another day. Right now it's about the NFC Championship and the Eagles are playing too well for Arizona to stop them. They're on a mission...Eagles 27, Cardinals 16

AFC Championship Game
Ravens at Steelers: For a true football fan, one who appreciates those games where the announcers are always warning that it's a man's game and that everyone should put their hardhats on, this is one of the most highly anticipated games of the year. Ravens/Steelers is always tough, always grimy, always a little dirty and cheap. If it was a woman, it'd be that one who cusses a little too much for your liking and smokes and might not be the one you take home to Mom, but is ALWAYS the one you tell your boys about. Just this season, Steelers wideout Hines Ward (who I'm told would smile to your face even while he's shanking you) was accused by Ravens players to be a cheapshot artist for the way he blocks downfield. Then, of course, in their first meeting of the year on a Monday night game, Hines totally demolished Ed Reed, who, as I've said before, has probably been the best coverage safety in the game for the last 5 years or so. I mean, it's never a good thing when the back of your head is the first thing to hit the ground after you've been hit. So because of that hit, word got out that the Ravens players had put a bounty out on Ward for when they faced each other in the next game later in the year. Ray Lewis had already taken care of Pittsburgh's rookie running back Rashard Mendenhall for talking trash prior to their first meeting by way of breaking his shoulder on a hit and ending his season. I'm guessing he won't be talking much next year.

The second meeting didn't have as much visible bad blood (although I'm sure there was plenty of cordial discussion amongst the guys during the game), it did treat us to a controversial finish, which should make Ravens/Steelers III all the more intriguing. Usually, when two teams play each other three times, whichever one lost the most recent game winds up being the winner of the third, but in those rare occurances, some teams get swept. Even as I type this, I'm not sure which way I'm going to go with this pick. Baltimore looks a whole lot like their Super Bowl team that leaned on an amazing defense and just told the quarterback to not make any mistakes. The Steelers, coincidentally enough, have the best defense in the league. It actually ranks with some of the best defenses to ever play since the NFL/AFL merger. Every time you think they can't win or that they'll roll over, the Steelers find a way to win. That said, I just don't know that Ray Lewis will let his team lose. Baltimore wins ugly, the only way they know how...Ravens 13, Steelers 9


Here's to hoping I do a little better this week!